Embarking on a New Journey

Back to School

2009-08-26T06:27:00.003-05:00

I have never been more happy to see my children march off back to school! This Summer has been great in so many ways, but in others, it has been so not for me.

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom ... always. Until I had Sage and realized that the day to day routine of staying home solely to care for your child was actually a LOT harder than going to work. I missed Sage from the moment I dropped her off at daycare until the moment I picked her up. I was torn because I missed so many milestones by being away from her for 10 hours per day. However, those 10 hours per day were what it took to reclaim my sanity after those evenings that were strained.

The days that I managed to eek out over the last three years with Sage, where it was just her and I at home during the day were some of the best. It made me resent going to work more and more. When I was laid off and almost immediately decided that I would not go back to work right away, it was those days that I had visions of. I wasn't thinking too clearly, obviously!

Sage and I together are great. Sage and I with her sister all Summer, not so great. I don't know what it is about her sister, but she's like crack to Sage. She gets her all wound up ... they trash my house and they bicker at each other constantly. It was a never ending battle from the time they woke up until the time they went to bed. And in all fairness, she's not just like that with her sister. She's like that when anyone else comes into the house. She's almost passive and calm when she is alone with me, but add anyone else to the mix and it's like a nuclear reaction.

I now understand all of the mothers who so cheerfully exclaim that their children have gone back to school. I never really got it until this Summer.

Homeschooling

2009-08-08T12:43:00.003-05:00

The state of Maryland has changed the rules in recent years determining the cut-off date for a child to enter Kindergarten. Previously the date was December 31st, however in the last several years they have moved the date to September 1st. There is a 45 day grace period given for children who pass a standardized test to allow them early admittance.

I have HUGE issues with this new regulation since it will have Sage starting Kindergarten 3 months prior to her turning 6 years old. That Board of Education will allow no deviance to their new ruling and I have been fighting with them for over a year. Yes, my child isn't even 4 years old yet, but she is extremely intelligent and was considered advanced in her daycare center. They placed her with children a year older than her and she was still more mature and smarter than most in her classroom.

In my opinion, keeping her out of Kindergarten as a 5 year old will hold her back. She will know the things they are already teaching by then and will be bored. She craves knowledge. I feel it is a disservice to her to not allow her entry into Kindergarten because of where her birthday falls if she shows the maturity and the skills they are looking for in a child entering the school system.

Her brother is a perfect example. His birthday falls 10 days prior to hers and he entered Kindergarten under the previous administration regulations. He entered college before he ever stepped foot into high school. He is in a federally funded advanced learning program at Frostburg State University during the summer. He started doing college level work prior to entering his Freshman year in high school.

It has been said by many that Sage is more intelligent than he was at her age. I'm not unrealistic when it comes to educating a child. I do believe that there are arguments both ways and that there are many children who would benefit from having that additional year home prior to entering school.

But having such stringent rules can also hinder some children. I believe with all of my heart, that many of the children who have issues in school, develope those issues out of boredom. Many of these issues start in early childhood education when they are not challenged. I know that often the root cause of many issues lie elsewhere, but it cannot be denied that some stem from sheer boedom.

The only solution available to me is to homeschool Sage the year I feel she should be entering Kindergarten. She will need to pass the standardized testing for Kindergarten curriculum and I will then present that papework to the Board of Education with the recommendation that she advance to the 1st grade. With that in hand, she will be able to enter the school system as a 1st grader the year that she would enter the Kindergarten based on the new regulations.

The only issue I now have is keeping her from getting bored and not melting down into the deepest pit of despair when her sister goes to school this year and she cannot. Who knows? Maybe I'll start the Kindergarten curriculum with her this year, just prior to her turning 4 years old. I believe that she is ready for it. I do not know if I am!

Swimming Like a Big Girl

2009-08-07T10:00:00.001-05:00

Or so she thinks.

Coming into the Summer, Sage had a huge fear of swimming pools and water. Last year, without my knowledge, my brother took her to a friends house to get into the pool. He had her, his two children and my my niece. Because my niece was 15 at the time, he figured Sage would be okay with her in the pool. She was on a floatie and was very wary of the water. Somewhere along the line, someone wasn't paying the best attention, and she was knocked off of the floatie.

It terrified her.

The first two attempts to get her into my parents pool were unsuccessful this year. The third time, she got in on a floatie while clinging to her grandmother. She repeated this a couple of times but would not give up the floatie or the person she was hanging on.

I was a little worried about our trip to Tennessee. Ten days on the lake with a child afraid of water was going to be difficult.

Fortunately, it wasn't an issue. The first day in the water she was in a life vest and a toddler floatie that she could sit in. She was nervous at first, but she eventually started to relax and have fun.

After the first day, she wouldn't use the floatie. There was no giving up the life jacket, which wasn't allowed anyway. She still clung to people throughout the week, but she was in love with the water and splashed around in wild abandon. She hung out on the dock with her sister making monkey faces at me.

She had a blast playing in the water with everyone ...

Mostly with her MawMaw

Also, with her Aunt Linda

And her cousin and sister ...

By the end of the week, she was letting go and "swimming like a big girl." She would go from one person to the next, giggling and splashing.

She won't get into the pool without her life jacket, but she now loves the water and is trying harder and harder to swim. She splashes around with the other kids and has a blast. In doing so, she is turning this into one of the best summers I have ever had.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes ...

2009-08-06T13:12:00.003-05:00

I've been all about changes lately. My desire to delve back into a community that I miss is only one of those changes.

You see, about two months ago, I was laid-off from my employer of 9 1/2 years; from an industry that I have worked in for 20+ years. The thing is, I wasn't overly distraught about the fact. I was very, and I mean very, briefly upset because I thought, "holy fuck, how are we going to make it?" That lasted about 2 hours and then I was okay with it. Unemployment benefits while I am looking for/deciding on a new career, almost cover what I was left with after paying for childcare expenses, gas and lunches. In fact, I'm saving money because I don't have to pay daycare expenses for an additional child for the summer.

The lay-off allowed me to take my first real vacation in 10 years. The girls and I went with my parents to Tennessee and spent 10 glorious days lakefront with nothing but water and the surrounding mountain range. The time spent there is what cemented my desire, my need, to get back into the pagan community. I don't know what it was about the mountainside, or the lake, that made me miss it so much. But it did.

This was my view every morning as I sat outside while everyone bustled around. It had a calming effect on me. During those mornings, I thought about the things that I want to do with my life. I made a promise to myself that I won't go back into the workforce as a mindless drone, answering to people who have no interest in anything other than what I can do to make them money. My previous boss, for lack of a better word, was interested in my photography talents but was unwilling to pay anything additional for my services beyond my regular wage. He wanted me to photograph things during our normal working hours for the company that I worked for.

I've wanted to start my own photography business since my pregnancy with Sage, and have taken the first steps in doing so. I've photographed a few babies and a christening. I've made arrangements with one of my boys football coach to not only shoot all of the JV football games that he will be playing in, but the Varsity games as well. I'm starting slowly and with what I am comfortable with and will build from there.

It's part of changing, and growing. Actually becoming the person that I want to be instead of only thinking of the person that I want to be.

Missing

2009-07-26T08:34:00.002-05:00

That word holds so much for me lately. I have always been the "mother," but only in the last five years have I actually been so. Before it was I who took care of transient friends and boyfriends, who all too often, needed a mother more than partner.

Somehow in the process of transitioning into the real deal, I lost a little of myself along the way. A part of myself that before then had been a big part of my life. I lost my way spiritually as my friends started to move on. My spirituality was such a huge part of my life. For several years, it often seemed to define who I was, as I was actively involved in a grassroots national organization with the sole purpose of bringing about education to those who misunderstood earth-cenetered religions.

I am not Christian. I have never claimed to be so and have had an aversion to organizd religion in any form since my childhood. I don't know if it was exposure to Holy Rollers as a child ... or having my Mormon cousin come spend the summers with my family only to make a beeline to the refrigerator for her annual consumption of enough sweet iced-tea to make up for an entire year. It was most likely the "I'm right and everyone else is wrong" attitude that it seemed most "religious" people I knew had. I don't like the concept of original sin.

I was always searching and never really knew where to fit in. I was drawn to nature and I could feel a divine spark in everything. In my mid-twenties, I happened across a book that would change me forever. It was a book about the craft, about paganism, and I devoured it. So many of things in this book called to me and fell in line with the things that I believed but had never said outloud. It was that one single book that started my journey and led to some of the most amazing friendships that I have ever had.

When my significant other and I first started dating, I was still active in the pagan community. But somewhere along the way, that activity waned as life got busy in other areas. It didn't help that his mother is avidly reborn and was often distrustful of anyone caring for his boys as well as she had done. She looked for faults in everything and I just wasn't looking for any battles in my newly formed family. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel safe being me and being vocal about my beliefs. At that time, a part of me slowly faded into the back of my mind and stayed there ... safe from judgement.

As fulfilling as my life is, I'm not entirely present in it because I haven't pursued my spiritual practices. I haven't been in tune with nature or myself. I've decided to dip my toe back into the community that I have missed so much. I can no longer deny the part of myself that has been slumbering and refuse to any longer. I know I will have my battles to wage and that people will decide that I am "going to hell." They will no longer see the person that I am, see me as kind and good, but will see me as something else. They won't see that I am the same person that they have always known. But I'm ready for it. I can no longer deny a part of who I am to make others feel more comfortable in my own home ... my life.

All Grown Up

2009-06-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I had a follow up appointment that got me out of work early that afternoon and was just walking in the door as my mother called. I could barely understand her but I did understand that my sister was in labor and I needed to get to the hospital. I had one phone call to make before I left, to our father, and that phone call took so long that I was late for her birth.

She was only minutes old when I first saw and held her. She was the most amazing little creature I had ever seen and I promised her that I would always watch over her and make sure that nothing ever happened to her.

When she went for her physical for kindergarten, an intern found a heart murmur. It meant open heart surgery to close a hole in her heart that was the size of a half dollar. I think it was the most terrifying thing I have ever had to deal with. When I saw her in the recovery room after her surgery, it was only a matter of minutes before I had to excuse myself so she wouldn't see me cry.

She's all grown up now. She turned sixteen in April. SIXTEEN! I'm so old! And in May, I got to photograph her on her way to the prom. Prom. As in she is old enough to date and go to formal dances and drive.

Other than taking photographs of Sage, I think taking her photos in her prom gown have been one of the most rewarding times I have held my camera. She was absolutely stunning and I was so proud to call her my niece.

And she's back ...

2009-06-17T11:20:00.003-05:00

When we first took custody of her, she was a troubled five year old that was desperate for attention and would do whatever it took to get it. She is his daughter. It took almost a year to get her to realize that her bad behavior would not get her the attention that she desired. It was a year of many, many time-outs and I think my first grey hair. It was a year full of crying fits, mostly on her part, that led to the realization that good behavior was going to get her the attention desired and that the bad behaviors would only get her a time-out on the stairs. I don't know why it ended up being the stairs that worked. My guess is that it was because it was so close the rest of the family, but still removed from us. The ability to hear us, but not see us. It eventually worked and she was (is) the most precious little girl.

Two and half years later, her father was sent to prison and three and half months later her absent mother appeared to tell me that I had no rights, she wasn't my child, she was taking her from me. It wreaked total havoc on her, myself and her siblings. Her mother took her to her grandparents house where she was to live with her. She stuck around for a couple of months and allowed me to get her on the weekends.

Once her mother started to disappear for weeks at a time, the behavior started to worsen again. When her mother would come home, she would literally beg me to tell her how to discipline her own child. I had to laugh, and secretly cry. She had no idea what she was doing to her own child, and honestly did not care. She is a selfish woman. She has four children, that live in three different homes, none of them with her. I asked several times for her to return her to me but she is immature and uses her as a pawn.

A year ago, she moved to another state and occasionally came to visit her children in their various locations. Even though she has no desire to raise any of her children herself, she is also high on the power she holds, among other things, over where her children reside. The behavior worsened over the last year and has come full circle. Her grandparents were at their wits end and were insisting that they were forcing her mother to take her when she got out of school. That was not an option.

Memorial Day weekend her father went to pick her up for the weekend and informed her grandparents that she would not be returning. Her mother had not been seen or heard from in over two months. There had been sightings of her in the area, she just felt no need to see or care for her children.

My heart breaks for her while she frustrates me to no end. She has become sneaky and steals. She likes to do things to her sister and then quickly apologizes and says "it was an accident." I know she needs a firm, but loving person to steer her right but this time around I cannot focus solely on healing her. I cannot allow her to pick at and hurt her little sister in her bid for attention. So the battles have become more frequent and more exhausting. I often feel as if I am fighting a battle I cannot win. I know it is a fight worth fighting but I don't know for how long I can fight the good fight without completely losing my mind.

She went to visit her grandparents on Sunday. She was returned home at 8:30pm and had not been fed since breakfast. Her father asked if she had seen her mother and she said no. He asked if her mother knew she was gone, and again the answer was the expected no. What was not expected was the statement that followed ... "she doesn't care about me." She is nine years old and it dawned on her, at that instant, that her mother truly doesn't care where she is or how she is being cared for. I had to make a hasty retreat so she wouldn't see me crying for her, see my heart breaking. Yet, twenty minutes later she was getting a time-out for knocking her little sister down. I have become a yo-yo. I go from caring and nurturing to heal her emotional scars and ten seconds later, I'm the evil step-mother from hell and she wants to go home to the grandparents that don't want her.

Please tell me that it won't be another year of this ... if so, I may have to start hitting the bottle.

The Boy is Graduating

2009-06-04T11:33:00.002-05:00

It's been a long, long road this year but he did it. At 7:00PM this evening, he will walk on stage to receive his diploma.

I don't write about the boys much because they are teens and I don't want to embarrass them. But I can't help it today. I'm proud. It's been a rough couple of years and he only needed one class to graduate. This was his third time taking the class and it was a close call. He had absolutely no interest in Environmental Science and it seemed that no matter how many times he took it, he was just not going to pass. He did this time, when the pressure was on, and that is what counts.

I'm concerned about whether he is ready for the big world of being an adult and having responsibility. As much as I have tried to instill a sense of being responsible into he and his brother, there are outside influences that undermine many of the lessons I try to teach them and I fear they have left him completely unprepared for what is in store for him.

Tonight is his time to shine and tomorrow he leaves for his senior trip. Upon his return, he will be entering the workforce since he has chosen not to go to college or technical school. I hope he is ready for what awaits him.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

2009-05-19T11:03:00.003-05:00

I know that the "three's" are considered the new "two's," but for some reason I can't help but think I'm doing it all wrong. It seems that my days are filled with not being able to please my child one iota.

Sage has an ginormous streak of stubborn mixed with a plethora of will and she does not seem to grasp the concept that she cannot have her way all of the time. Every little thing turns into a Oscar winning performance with her, in the category of collosal meltdowns and tantrums. She blatantly ignores requests for her to do things and defies demands after she has worn my patience thinner than I ever thought possible. If she is asked to pick up her toys, she pulls more out and makes a larger mess or runs in the other direction. When she is told it is bathtime, she promptly tells me that she doesn't feel like it and then screams bloody murder all the way up the stairs. She has started making things up to get out of bedtime, with her favorite being "I have to go potty."

Her teachers at daycare love her. They tell me how well behaved she is and that she always listens and does what is requested of her. It's like she is a different child the minute she enters the building. Upon exiting, let the games begin. I just don't get it. I don't give in to her demands, but not doing so leads to screams and growls (yes ... growls) and complete pandimonium. She will make herself physically ill with her theatrics and will go on for hours if she does not get what she wants.

People keep telling me she will grow out of it, but I'm not so sure. I've wondered to myself recently what the youngest age of a child ever sent to military school is! I can't imagine her ever being a follower and know that she will always be strong and independent, but it's got to give somewhere. She teeters from being sweet and loving to being a little tyrant as soon as she doesn't get her way. The past comparisons to dictators is no joke. She could break the best (meaning worst) of them any day.

I'm at a loss on how to discipline her to get her over the top reactions to cease. Timeouts do not work. They only fuel her rage at not getting what she wants to begin with and end with her a desperate, clingy mess that is sobbing in my lap. Taking things from her doesn't work because she honestly just does not care! I'm working on a board to hang up for a reward system for good behavior and am hanging by the thinnest of threads of hope that this. will. work. If it doesn't, I think I'm just going to the doctor and asking to be committed to the closest psychiatric facility because I'm doing to lose my damned mind.

Dreams

2009-05-14T09:06:00.002-05:00

Sage has been waking up in the middle of dreams recently. The first few moments that she is awake, she is still walking in dreamland and it usually results in side splitting laughter.

Saturday morning, her father woke her up. She sat straight up in bed.

Sage: "Do NOT throw snowballs at the monkey."
Daddy: "Sage, baby, I think you are dreaming."
Me: snicker, snicker
Sage: turns with wide eyes, pointing at the window "There are MONKEYS in the yard."
Me: "Do they look like Boots or Curious George?"
Daddy: "There aren't any monkeys, you are dreaming."
Sage: pointing at her Daddy "Don't YOU chase those monkeys."

I completely lost all composure and he was speechless.

Ten seconds later ...

Sage: "Mommy, can I watch Mickey Mouse?"

I think she's a keeper.

Twitter me this, Twitter me that

2009-04-30T10:40:00.003-05:00

I know, I broke up with Twitter months ago. It didn't last long. Only long enough for me to learn a little more about it and realize that we could compromise and have a relationship that was give and take; not all take.

Then Twitter went all hell-fire crazy with the whole Ashton Kutcher/CNN countdown to 1,000,000. I got drawn into it because of the charity aspect. I wanted to see what would happen. And I paid close attention to people going back and forth about how stupid it was, how big Ashton's ego is, how stupid it was for CNN to get involved in such a silly thing ... yadda, yadda, yadda. In the end, Malaria No More benefited and the lives of children were saved.

And people still had something to complain about. They were lives of children in another country that were saved, not lives here. PEOPLE! They are children. Does it matter where they are? Do they deserve less of a chance at life than children elsewhere?

Since the race to 1,000,000 is over, I have turned my attention to the fact that it reminds me a lot of high school. There are cliques everywhere. It's cool to follow certain people and if you don't ... well, you are nobody. It's not cool to follow certain people and if you do ... well, you are nobody and you are a fool. OH. MY. GOD. Can't we all just get along?

I mostly "follow" bloggers who I tend to read on a daily basis. I have a couple of friends that are on there as well. I "follow" Soliel Moonfrye. Yes, Punky freakin' Brewster. Because she is pretty damn cool and I found her on Twitter through her store, The Little Seed. I would totally shop at her store if I, 1) lived in LA and 2) made enough money to shop at her store!

So, in the eyes of many, I'm lame as shit because I'm following a celebrity. Because we all know that celebritites aren't people, right? Can I get an amen? They have nothing important to say and if you follow a celebrity you are a loser. That seems to be the general consensus of some and I find that completely ludicrous. Seriously? A celebrity couldn't possibly be planted in reality enough to have something to say that anyone who is not a celebrity could relate to!

I call bullshit. It seems to me that the few celebrity streams I have glanced at are actually interacting with the people that follow them. Maybe not everyone that is following, but honestly, how do you interact personally with 200,000 people? 1,000,000 people? It's impossible.

I think someone needs to come up with a Twitter manual. All of the Twitter elite should get together with their little # hashmarks that say secret club or something and write a damn manual. That way we can all follow the same rules and be just alike and all be one big happy family. Or Communist? Same thing, right?

Conversation with a Co-Worker

2009-04-27T14:06:00.003-05:00

Me to shipping supervisor: Such and such client wants us to ship this product to Ghana.

Her: Where's that?

Me: It's on the African continent. The product cost $2,000.00 to produce and the freight is $2,500.00.

Her: Where? How much?

Me: I think it might be cheaper to call their neighbors up north in Europe.

Her: Yeah, at least order it from the same continent.

Me: Oh, are those jelly beans. May I have some?

That's my typical day folks! And they wonder I get so frustrated and hide in my cubicle ...

She's growing up too fast

2009-04-22T05:31:00.012-05:00

I remember that in the tired days of her infancy, I would bounce back and forth between wanting her to stay small and completely dependant upon me for the rest of her life and wanting her to come on and grow some already so I can do things with you. I love doing things with her and spending time with her more than anything on this earth. But there is no bouncing back and forth anymore. I just want her stay small and dependant on me for the rest of her life. She's growing up way too fast for me and it sets me in a tailspin at times.

She has opinions galore and tells me at least 2,479,363 times a day that she's a "big girl" now. She doesn't want my help and strongly believes that she does not need it, ever.

On the way to gymnastics Saturday, I told her that I would be helping her. She promptly told me that she didn't need my help. I told her all of the mommies would be helping. Her response, "those kids need help, I don't!" I'm guessing that this does not bode well for our future teen years. I know I won't be anymore ready for her independence then than I am now. It is going to be a struggle.

One of the most beautiful things I have witnessed is watching her find herself as an individual and blossom into the incredible child that stands before me now. It is also one of the hardest things I have had to endure because the more she grows, the less she needs me in a sense.

Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if she weren't so adamant about spreading her little wings and exerting so much independence all at once. If she weren't so resistant to my attempts to keep her closer.

Or, if her father weren't so damned persistent in trying to make her "Daddy's Girl" and more dependent on him. That one right there ... that stings at times. I have never entertained the notion that she would ever be anything other than "Mommy's Girl." Yet, the minute she is mad at me over the slightest little thing, she wants her Daddy! As much as I love seeing them together and watching their bond grow now that he is home, those particular occasions when she prefers him over me makes me wish that I had went ahead in my twenties and ordered the "popsicle pop" I had so often thought of because I didn't need a man in my life to be a mother.

I didn't do so though, and now I have to share her. He comforts her when she is mad at or upset with me. He helps her do things when Mommy is too busy to be there every single second of the day. He carries her Easter basket for her so she can search for her treasures without the hindrance of dragging the blasted thing around. And he loves her. A popsicle pop couldn't do that.

In the end, she still looks to me when she's happy and wants to celebrate her achievements. She looks to me for comfort when she needs it. She comes to me for hugs, kisses and a refill of her sippy cup. This motherhood gig is harder than I ever thought it would be. It also offers all of the rewards that I knew would be there and more. Being a mother has defined who I am and I embrace it, and her, with all of my heart.

Gymnastics

2009-04-16T11:18:00.002-05:00

I haven't been that great on the Mommy front when it comes to getting my child involved in extra curricular activities thus far. With her father being gone for 18 months and the mounting debt that ensued, I never really had the money or the time to do so.

His being home now and working full-time has eased up the day to day debt and given me a little more time to pursue other interests and I signed her up for a gymnastics class over a month ago. I thought it would be cute. Preschool gymnastics for six weeks to get her out of the house and interacting with children her own age beyond her daycare classroom. Nothing could be better, right?

Wrong. I somehow missed the entire concept of it being a parent/child participation activity! How do you miss something like that? Don't get me wrong, I love doing things with her and I am sure it will be fun but a few things have me worried.

1. NOT flexible. Not in the least! Will likely injure myself in places I did not know exist.

2. OLD! I'm not going to be as young as the other mothers in that class. I am almost willing to bet an entire paycheck on it.

3. Pictures. How in the hell am I supposed to take pictures of my child in her very first, oh so cute gymnastics class if I am participating???

Number three up there. That is the killer for me. I am in heaven watching my child in her moments of pure joy and being able to photograph those moments as keepsakes. The only person who may be interested in going is my mother. And well, she admits whole heartedly that she SUCKS at taking pictures. I bought her a digital camera years ago to try to encourage her with the thought that she can delete them if they aren't what she wanted, so she doesn't waste money having bad pictures developed. That idea ... it didn't work so well. Dad will take pictures all day long if the opportunity presents itself. Dad also has a bad back and is in almost constant pain, so going to a gymnastics class at 10AM on Saturday mornings to stand on a hard floor and take pictures for 45 minutes. Not likely happening!

It's driving me bat-shit crazy at the moment that I haven't yet figured out how to participate with my child and take pictures. I am at a loss.

Madeline

2009-04-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

Holding her ...

2009-04-14T11:46:00.006-05:00

… just a little tighter, and a little longer these days because you never know when it can just be taken away. In the blink of an eye, you can lose your child and the moments you thought could wait, will no longer be available to you. I don’t know how many times I have told Sage, just one minute or we’ll do it tomorrow. I can’t do that anymore because there is no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow.

In the past week, two bloggers that I read have lost their children. I can’t imagine the pain they are going through nor do I want to. It is a pain that no parent should ever have to endure.

Little Maddie, was just shy of turning 17 months old. Today, at 2:30PM PST, Heather and Mike, will be remembering their beautiful little girl and it breaks my heart. I will be lighting a candle and holding onto my own child and remembering the precious little imp that I have read about and adored from afar.

I will also be thinking of precious Thalon and his parents, Shana and Rich.

I can’t imagine their grief. I can’t imagine recovering from something like this. I don’t think I would be strong enough to do so. I know that anyone reading this would say “you do what you have to do” but I just can’t imagine it.

Please support Heather and remember Maddie by contributing to March of Dimes in Maddie’s name. Heather will be walking in her memory on April 25th. Or you can send a donation directly to Heather and Mike to help them financially in their time of need. A mailbox has been set up for them to receive donations.

Mike & Heather Spohr11870 Santa Monica Blvd. #106-514West Los Angeles, CA 90025

I am sure the wonderful and supportive friends that have stepped up to help Heather and Mike, will also try to help Shana and Rich. When I find any info on that, I will be sure to post it for those who wish to help.

Dear Purveyor of Rotten Teeth ...

2009-04-10T13:39:00.002-05:00

My child incessantly speaks about you and you are quickly becoming numero uno on my list of despised commercial holiday characters. I stood in the middle of a crowded mall with a fever of 103 only to have my child not want to sit by you because you wouldn't speak to her. You know, the Easter Bunny does speak on all of those silly television shows. Would it have killed you to at the very least said "hello little girl" as I was forking over $40 for out of focus, cheesy pictures? Seriously? All you did was hold your hands together and make this hippity-hoppity motion that made it look like you were suffering from withdrawal.

So, since you freaked her out the other day she has devised a plan to scare you. She is insisting on staying up ALL night on Saturday so she can sneak down the stairs when you come into the house to deliver her Easter basket. That means no sleep for Mommy! Not cool.

Little do you know, she is really not going to be happy with you come Sunday. Oh no she won't. Her "kids" at daycare have been telling her how much candy the Easter Bunny brings and you will only be bringing her books, sidewalk chalk and her precious Little People. A few pieces of candy may find their way into her basket, but not the plethora of chocolate that she is expecting thanks to the little gremlins at daycare.

Consider this a warning, you cotton-tailed pain in my butt ... you may not be that big in her eyes next year.

The monsters, they are real

2009-02-12T13:34:00.000-05:00

So, Sage is still afraid monsters. And because of Chicken Little, she thinks they now come out of the clouds as well, which makes bedtime not the only time she gets scared. I find myself constantly telling her that there are no monsters and Mommy is always there to protect her, so she doesn’t have to worry.

But then I think to myself, “self, you are full of shit!” The fact is I am not with her 24/7 and monsters do exist. Monsters that she doesn’t even begin to imagine at her tender age. Monsters who steal children out of their beds at night, from the streets in broad daylight and those that walk the world pretending to be mommy, only to kill their children and dump them in a trash bag with a heart sticker on duct tape across their mouth. These are the monsters of my own nightmares, which occur on a regular basis. These monsters deprive me of my sleep and make me wary all of the time. I feel like such a hypocrite telling my child that there are no monsters.

I am so sick of hearing about child abductions and parents killing their children. The thing that makes me go beyond all rational thought, are those that chose to defend the monsters. I’m not talking about loved ones defending someone and saying they couldn’t do such a horrible thing, even though they sicken me as well. I’m talking about the people who actually try to rationalize such horrendous actions by making claims that a parent was forced to keep an unwanted child or that maybe, just maybe that the person thought it was the only way out of a situation they couldn’t handle.

Why does our society condone such heinous actions at times? Why do we let known child predators out of prison instead of executing them the minute they are found guilty of harming a child? Why do people stand by with knowledge of such actions against a child and never step up and simply put a stop to it?

Another child has gone missing in Florida, and another set of parents is grieving. And you know what? I’m suspicious. Suspicious that someone who was supposed to care for her has caused her harm. I will feel really bad if I am proven wrong, but will be even more sickened if I am proven right. It seems like child abduction/abuse/killings have grown to epidemic proportions and I’m wondering when our society is going to get it’s collective head out of it’s ass and start taking care of the only thing that should matter in our lives.

And when a child is not protected, and the monster is caught … when will be step up to the plate and treat the monster as just that, a monster? When will we stop coddling them and claiming them reformed and turning them loose to pray on another child? If a dog were to bite our child, often enough we get the authorities in and the dog is put down. So I ask, when a monster “bites” our child, why should that monster not receive the same punishment? After all, we are supposed to be a superior species, correct?

Breaking Up is Sooooooo Hard to Do

2009-01-06T07:46:00.003-05:00

When I met you, it was love at first sight. I loved you from afar for a few months and one day decided to find out a little more about you. What I learned only cemented my love for you and I soon found myself sending you little notes. Soon after, you were sending me notes on my cell as well. I gave you your own little ring tone and the sound of that chime made me snap to attention. You tease me with your witty nonsense and make me wish I was at MacWorld too. The little snippets into your life fill a yearning I have.

Like all things that seem too good to be true, I soon came to see your faults. You see, I’m a co-sleeping attachment mama to a three year old. I’ll be hitting the big 4-0 this year and I need my rest. You are younger. You have no commitments. I’m East coast and you are bi-coastal. I thought I could hang with you, but you are wearing me down. You chime at all hours of the night and I’m starting to not like you so much. I never said you could wake me 5,683,092 times a night. That was not part of the bargain. I thought you would have a little more respect for my needs.

Furthermore, Dink thinks that things like “Archer so cheats at Candy Land. No fair.” are really secret code for some midnight rendezvous in a parallel universe. Well, I say parallel universe, he seems to think that I somehow have about 32 hours in a day, instead of the normal 24 hours, so that I can find time to sneak off and be with you. He’s jealous that I don’t always answer his calls and come running to you at the slightest of chimes. “Someone totally bit my shit” has become slang for a clandestine blow job in his demented imagination and frankly, I don’t need the hassle.

So, my love … my dear Twitter SMS, I’m breaking it off with you. I will continue to love you from afar and will probably never realize the full potential of our relationship. You are just too high maintenance for this busy mommy. I will miss you dearly, but I must retire your seductive little chime. I hope you understand and will not hold this against me.

Can we still be friends?

Holiday birthdays suck

2008-12-17T14:24:00.000-05:00

Planning a birthday party is often quite an endeavor. Planning a birthday party for a child that was born one week before Christmas is practically impossible.

I had wanted Sage’s birthday party this year to be something special. I think it is the first birthday party that she will really remember and really get into having. She has been asking to go to the big gray mouse’s house, i.e. Chucky Cheese, but all of her little friends at daycare have plans for the weekend before Christmas. While she has a sister and brothers and a few cousins that could go and enjoy the day with her, I just don’t see it as being the same and “her kids” as she likes to call her friends from daycare.

I finally made a decision over the weekend, after finding that most of the children in her classroom are busy, that we would just go ahead and have a “family” party at her MawMaw’s on Saturday. I’m really bummed and I hope she isn’t disappointed.

I may take her to Chucky Cheese tomorrow evening after daycare and let her have at it. I hate the germ infested place, but she loves it and I don’t feel it is fair to deny her desire to be there. I will likely disinfect her twenty gazillion billion times while we are there and delouse her little butt when we get home, but that is neither here nor there. Hopefully, the memory of crawling thru snot-slimed tunnels and mounds of invisible streptococcus will last beyond her forced cleansing of all things germy.

I was flying, and then the monster took me outside

2008-12-11T16:16:00.001-05:00

The night before last, Sage awoke several times in the middle of the night, in a frenzied state and didn’t want to go back to sleep. She had a pretty rough night, which in turn meant that I did as well. She was distraught but she didn’t say anything other than ask if she could watch Dora’s Animals.

We were riding home from daycare last night and Sage suddenly realized that it was starting to get dark. She quickly explained to me that she would not be going to sleep this night and that she was just going to watch tv and play. I told her that we would go home, have dinner, play, have bath-time and that yes, she would be going to bed as usual.

She got really quite and whispered “I’m not going to let that monster take me again.” I kind of giggled to myself until I realized that she was serious. She was remembering the nightmare she had the night before and she was scared. She told me that she was flying (she had been playing in her fairy tu-tu) and that the monster came and took her outside and wouldn’t let me have her back.

I tried so many different ways to explain to her that it didn’t really happen and that it was a dream. Anyone ever tried explaining a dream to a two-year old child who isn’t grasping the concept yet? I tried to explain it as she was watching tv, in her head, while she was asleep. That did not work well because as she so eloquently put it “it would hurt if I had a tv in my head.” In the end, she still thinks that she was flying and that a monster stole her from me.

Bedtime did not go well last night and I am dreading this evening even more. I have no idea how to make her understand that there are no monsters lurking in the shadows, waiting for her to fall asleep so they can whisk her out into the cold and leave her alone. I don’t want to agree with her and then come up with something to keep them at bay, as some that I know have done. I want to truly get past the belief in the imaginary monsters of her childhood. I just don’t know how.

So much for that psychology major!

There's a Dictator Up in Here!

2008-12-10T21:55:00.001-05:00

My child has a temper. A temper that would likely make Kim Jong-il look like a pacifist at times. I know that is likely a stretch, but she could definitely give the man a run for his money. I’m used to her outbursts and I usually chalk them up to the terrible two’s and the soon to be running sequel, tyrannical three’s.

She has had a temper for as long as I can remember and I can clearly see, in my mind, her first indignant outburst of fury when she was about 5 weeks old. She scrunched up her little face and let out a scream of disdain for the bottle that I was trying to place in her mouth. It was quite obvious that she was irritated by my actions and it surprised me that she could show such an emotion that young. It should have been a warning.

I don’t like to spank my child. I have on occasions and I am sure someone will stumble across this entry and tell me how horrible I am and that I should be reported to DSS immediately, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you know what? Sometimes, it just happens. I feel worse about it than she does and I usually end up the one in the corner crying. But I am at a loss as to how to deal with her tantrums and her temper.

After last night, I think I am in for a bumpy road and need to find a way to divert her pending meltdowns into something positive instead of destructive. I refused a request for something last night and she promptly walked over to her Dora kitchen, picked up her toy toaster and threw it across the living room. Needless to say, I was not a happy mommy, but what she did afterward completely floored me. She waltzed her little butt up to me, looked me dead in the eye with hand on hip and said “How do you like that?”

Excuse me? I blinked rapidly and told her to immediately plant her little butt on the couch for a time out, only to get the normal response to the dreaded “time-out”, which was to have a complete nuclear meltdown. Putting my child in time-out is one of the most difficult tasks I have had to deal with because she absolutely refuses to stay in time-out.

I look at the kids on Nanny 911 and think to myself … “self, you would be locked up if you had children like that because you would just lose your mind and kill them all dead.” And then she does stuff like she did last night and I think … “hmmm, I’m seeing Nanny 911 in my future.”

Anyone have any diversion tactics that have been tested on the most obstinate of children? A constructive way to take a toddler from Mugabe to Pollyanna in about ten seconds? A padded room for me to come live in to escape my child before she is full blown ready to conquer the world?

I can't believe I am writing about poop ...

2008-12-09T21:00:00.002-05:00

I never thought I would actually tell a poop story on my blog. I’m not one to censor myself much, but poop … come on. It’s just gross.

With that said, I have a poop story. Or a fart story. You pick.

Sage was sick over the weekend and woke up in the middle of the night, both Saturday and Sunday, vomiting. I hate when my child is sick. Vomiting terrifies her and I feel so bad. She was still running a fever on Monday morning and because I had a deadline at work, I took her into the office with me. Everything was fine while she was at work with me but in the evening, things took a turn for the worse again.

Apparently, she farted and thought she had pee’d her panties. She was mortified and went running, all penguin style to the bathroom. I was close behind her, thankfully, because as you have already surmised, it was not pee that was in her panties. The poor child was almost in tears. I got her cleaned up and told her that she was to go directly to the potty if she thought she had to fart. Under no circumstances was she to fart in her panties!

About 15 minutes later, she shot up off of the floor and bolted to the bathroom … chanting “don’t fart in my panties” the entire way to the potty. A couple of minutes later she is yelling for me from the bathroom and I walk in to find her with her pants around her ankles, staring into the toilet in amazement. She looked up at me with the most somber of expressions and said “Mommy, my fart pooped in dat potty!”

In my fit of laughter, I helped her clean her little bottom and asked her to please flush the potty. It didn’t all go down on the first try and she was once again a little indignant and stated “that stinky fart water just will not go down dat potty.” My increased laughter did nothing for her mood and she ended up mad at me, but her expression was priceless when I had walked into the bathroom. It could not be helped. I erupted into fits of laughter all evening and every single time she would tell me, “it is not funny Mommy.”

She did manage to make it to the bathroom every time and didn’t have any more accidents. But every time I saw her running for the bathroom, I could not help but laugh hysterically.

I’m a horrible mother and I’m going to hell … right?

FOURTEEN

2008-12-08T20:00:00.004-05:00

Four and a half years ago, I had no responsibilities beyond caring for a dog, bird and several horses. Then I started dating your father and before I knew it, I had two full-time children to help raise, and then it quickly became three when your sister moved in with us. Next thing I knew, I was living the “soccer Mom” lifestyle running back and forth to baseball and football practices and games. Within less than two years, your baby sister came along and, wow, four kids. I was keeping pace with the Jolie-Pitts on the children front and was amazed at how much children brought to my life.

When we met, your were a dorky little bobble-headed looking nine and a half year old who was one of the most outgoing kids I had ever met. You excelled in academics and sports and I was amazed by you. I still am today. I remember how reserved you were in the beginning, how unsure you were by this woman who would likely be like the others who had come in and out of your life. I could tell that you held your heart close and wouldn’t let me in out of fear that I would leave you like all of the others.

You didn’t really let me in for a few months. I remember the day that it happened. It was Father’s Day and we were at your great-grandmother’s house. You and PJ were in the pool and you thought it would be cute to splash water at me as I passed by because I didn’t have a swimsuit, nor a change of clothes. Then your grandmother decided to get all froggy and push me into the pool anyway. You were no longer safe and I promptly decided that you needed to be dunked as many times possible, as quickly as possible, for your cockiness and, let’s face it … it was fun!

You have amazed me over the years and make me so proud. You have grown into quite a handsome young man and now have your first girlfriend. You have completed a summer semester of college and have excelled at everything you have decided to try your hand at. You are an accomplished drummer and have quickly become a great bass player. You have excelled in baseball and football, while I floundered being a team mom in baseball. I redeemed myself during football season through photography only to exasperate you because I was constantly on the sidelines taking pictures and now have well over 3,500 photos from a single football season. That exasperation turned to pride when I presented you with a keepsake photo book, printed with photos from all of your games this past season.

I am sure that there will still be times when I want to strangle you and when you want to go running the other way out of embarrassment. I am also sure that with every day that passes, because of you (and your siblings), there isn’t a day that will go by when I will have regretted a single decision I have made in the last four and a half years.

Happy birthday Cody. You amaze me every day with your intelligence and your candor and my life is blessed by your presence.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T22:00:00.002-05:00

Sage had a blast going trick or treating. She has been having tons of fun with her Daddy since he came home a few weeks ago, and I'll have photos of our second trip to the pumpkin patch later this week.

Our visit to the pumpkin patch

2008-10-08T18:53:00.011-05:00

Sage woke up bright and early on Sunday morning and promptly asked me "Mommy, is it time to go to the pumpkin snatch?" After I choked on my glass of water, I explained that it was called the pumpkin PATCH and we would be going in a few hours. I then spent the next three hours saying "no, it's not time yet." When will I learn not to tell her about something when she has no concept of time except for after she wakes up???

It was a fun day had by all, as her cousins and Uncle Herb went with us. She got to ride a pony and have her face painted. Then we went on a hay ride that she absolutely loved. I've promised we will go back again, but haven't told her when. Next up ... the Renassaince Festival. I know she'll love that!

Conveying what words cannot ...

2008-10-05T08:10:00.005-05:00

Where has the time gone? I definitely don't have a little baby anymore!

Just Because

2008-08-09T20:49:00.001-05:00

Living with Addiction

2008-08-06T20:10:00.004-05:00

I haven't referenced my significant other here in over a year. I basically write this blog as a journal and use it to share pictures and stories with friends and family who aren't close by. My plan is to, one day, compile the entire thing into a physical format to give to my daughter when she is older. I realize that leaving her father out of it entirely, isn't exactly fair. However, I didn't really know if she would remember these early years and realize that he was gone. I believe that she will and she will eventually grasp the entire concept of why he has been gone.

Right now, Sage says Daddy lives in a castle. And technically, it's true. He is in prison and the facility he is in was once a castle. Graymore Castle, to be exact. He has been there for a little over a year for violating his probation. Her father was/is an addict. His drug of choice was cocaine and he could not get it under control. He spent her first Thanksgiving and first birthday in rehab. He managed to stay clean for about two months and then his probation officer kept letting him slide. And THAT, my friends, is where things get kind of fucked up, to put it mildly.

You see, addiction is a disease that entirely takes over your life. AND the lives of those around you. I had attended a couple of meetings at the rehab facility he entered in 2006 and was able to understand the process a little better than I had. It still did not help with the day to day reality of it though.

If you live with an addict, you are constantly on guard. You always wonder where they are, what they are doing and whether you will ever see them again. I lost count of how many nights I feel asleep wondering if that particular night would be the night that I received a phone call telling me he had overdosed and was in the hospital or the city morgue. I was the one left to see the disappointment on his children's faces when he walked out the door ... and when they went to bed at night not knowing where their father was.

There are functioning and non-functioning addicts. He is definitely of the latter and, of course, could not hold a job. He would spend most of his days sleeping off the previous nights binge and would head right back out the door as soon as his "friend" would call to say he had gotten off of work. That left me, not only with the entire brunt of raising four children on my own, but with sole financial responsibility as well. It was a no-win situation.

I knew that he couldn't beat his addiction on his own. I had threatened to leave him, I left, I argued with him until I couldn't argue anymore ... none of it mattered, because addiction is an ugly beast that does not want to let go of the afflicted. I knew he had three choices open to him and I did the only thing I could think of ... I called his probation officer without his knowledge.

I spoke to her for a while without telling her who I was calling about. Eventually, I realized that it was something that I had to do, not only for him, but for his children. I did it to save his life and to protect his children. His probation officer seemed to think she was doing him a favor by letting him slide but she was only enabling him. I told her that his only choices were long-term rehabilitation, violate his parole and lock him up or death. I was not about to have his children bury him, so the only viable option was prison.

He's been there since May of 2007 and will be coming home in October of this year. The closer it gets to his homecoming, the more I worry about how he will handle things when he is back in society. He knows that I will not tolerate a single relapse and that I will leave. He knows his children will likely leave him as well if he were to relapse. I would think that is enough of a deterrant to keep him clean but you would think it would have been previously as well.

I also struggle with whether or not to actually tell him that, ultimately, I was the one to initiate his going to prison to begin with. He does not know. My family knows ... his mother knows ... a few friends know. I think in the long run, maybe WAY down the road, he may be happy that I did so. But right now, not so much. I don't know if he could deal with that when he comes home.

So, internets, if you happen to stumble into this entry ... what would you do? Would you tell him that you had him locked up? Or would you just keep it to yourself and know that what was done was the only way to save him and leave it be?

Mommy Voice & I Kissed a Girl

2008-07-23T20:50:00.004-05:00

That's what I call it. And it drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy!

I know my child ignores the first two words out of my mouth, so I find myself saying stop ... Stop ... STOP! Or Sage ... Sagggeee ... SAGE! I hate it and I can't seem to stop.

Kind of like when you get a song stuck in your head that you can't stand but you keep finding yourself singing it. I always find myself singing "I kissed a girl and I liked it, tastes like her cherry chapstick ..." Great Gods, I hate that song. Nonetheless, at least three or ONE THOUSAND times a day, I find myself singing that damn song to myself. And why cherry chapstick? Is there some kind of underlying meaning to the cherry chapstick? Like she busted her "kissing a girl" cherry with this particular girl and the "cherry chapstick" is a play on words.

I don't know why, but that song just irritates the shit out of me. Please. Someone find me a different annoying song to have playing in my head at all times of the day.

I Can't Think About it Now

2008-07-22T20:25:00.002-05:00

... I'll go crazy if I do. I'll think about it tomorrow."

So, why am I quoting Scarlett O'Hara? Other than this is pretty much the attitude I have all of the time now! Because really, I can't really deal with everything that goes on in my life and I must choose my battles one at a time or I will lose my ever loving mind.

But no, that is not why I am quoting Scarlett in all of her southern glory. The reason for the quote is my child. I think she is channeling Vivienne Leigh at her best. My precious little daughter has started to become a major DRAMA QUEEN.

She is very willful and definitely has a mind of her own. So much so, that she is starting to drive me a little crazy. When she isn't channeling Vivienne Leigh, she is a dwarf-sized incarnation of Hitler. If I tell her that she is not allowed to do something ... she will do it anyway, and make sure to laugh at me and let me know that she doesn't care that I have told her no. It has gotten so bad that I decided that I didn't care how long it was going to take, I was going to make sure that she did not do what I had forbid her from doing. By the end of our 45 minute stand-off, I didn't even remember what she had been doing to begin with. All I knew was that I was bone-weary from having to physically restrain her.

She screamed at me so much, in her rage, that she gave herself a headache. After all was said and done, she crawled up into my lap to tell me that she was sorry and with all of the flair of Miss Scarlett O'Hara herself, she flung back against me, placed the back of her hand to her forehead and said "Mommy ........ I have SUCH a headache."

Food Network's Next Biggest Star ...

2008-07-07T14:32:00.002-05:00

Bite me! You suck.

Bring Shane back and send that whiney little Chelsea home.
And you kept Adam? He's cooked two, count them TWO, palatable
dishes since this competition started.

Oh, Food Network, how I hate you right now!

Family Traditions

2008-07-05T09:50:00.003-05:00

I put in a small garden this year and at least once a day, I go out and gush over the fact that I am growing my own food to feed my family. My PopPop instilled a love for gardening in me at a very young age and I loved to go out into his garden and pick a tomato from the vine, eating it on the spot.

I take Sage out every evening and point things out to her and tell her that things will continue to grow bigger and once they are ripe, we can pick them and eat them. She's been pretty patient to date, but she couldn't take it any longer when we went out this morning. So ... she had fresh peas off of the vine for breakfast. There were only about six or seven pods that were ready to pick and I brought them in a shucked them for her. She gobbled them down and is still running around asking for more.

It is my wish, to instill the same love of gardening into her that my PopPop had instilled in me at such a young age. His garden has been gone for more years than I can count, but I can still close my eyes and see the rows upon rows of produce that he grew. I can still see him meticulously checking each vine and making the decision whether he should leave something for the next day, or pick it now, to make sure that he obtained the perfection that was in each fruit or vegetable. My mouth waters thinking of his tomoatoes.

Memories are a wonderful thing to have. Passing a tradition along to your child/children is even more wonderful. Maybe one day, Sage will be in the garden with her children and have the same type of memories that I have.

No Ladybugs on Me

2008-06-28T13:00:00.002-05:00

So ... have you seen that commercial for Hartz collars? The cute little Golden Retriever puppy at camp? He's singing:

There ain't no bugs on me,
There ain't no bugs on me,
There may be bugs on some of you mugs,
But there ain't no bugs on me.

You know that one?

This is what I heard this morning as I was changing my childs diaper:

No ladybugs on me,
No ladybugs on me,
There may be ladybugs, but no ladybugs,
No ladybugs on me.

How does she come up with this stuff? She thinks I've lost my mind
and is now ignoring me because I was laughing at her. How could I
not? She's hilarious.

At least I have some comic relief up in here.

So serene ...

2008-06-26T12:25:00.005-05:00

She looks that way in these pictures, doesn't she? These times are few and far between because she's usually a little ball of energy that is zipping from one place to the next. Unfortunately, she was sick when I took these pictures.

Even sick, she is still stunning.

A Man and his Dog

2008-06-24T17:09:00.003-05:00

My brother has had his dog Sandy as a companion for eleven years. She passed away at 2:00 am this morning after a particularly bad seizure. Their relationship was a special one.

My brother is a diesel mechanic by trade, but during the last several years, he had worked on his ex-wife's family farm. When they separated he went back to mechanics and Sandy went to work with him every day. They were together 24/7.

Her health had been failing for several months and the final straw was getting kicked in the temple by a horse several weeks ago. She has had swelling on her brain which he was trying to control with medication. Last night's seizure was too much for her.

It breaks my heart to think of my brother, alone, at 3:00 am burying his beloved companion in the backyard. I don't know what he will do without her. She's been his rock through a very troubled and nasty divorce and I know he will miss her dearly. As will everyone else.

The picture above is so typical of them. You never saw him without her.

Rest in peace Sandy. Your daddy misses you very much.

A proud college student

2008-06-23T17:54:00.008-05:00

Cody is a very intelligent child. So intelligent in fact, that his middle school counselor approached him just prior to the Christmas break and spoke to him about attending college this summer.

He has entered a four year math and science program at Frostburg University. He will attend college courses every summer throughout his high school career. He only goes for three weeks this summer. The next three summers, he will be attending for six weeks. He was really excited to leave yesterday and his Grandpa was so excited. He insisted on my taking a picture of them and it was the only way to get Cody to cooperate with being in front of the camera.

I'll be going back up to get him on July 10th, and then we return on August 1st for a commencement ceremony.

Grandpa is pretty proud too!!!

Sage, of course, was doing her best to fit in on a college campus and insisted on wearing a knit hat and her sun glasses in ninety degree weather.

Rambling thoughts ode to memories ...

2008-06-20T11:31:00.002-05:00

A recent online conversation with a friend about absentee fathers, got me to thinking. I don’t feel as if I am a bitter person and honestly, I’m not. Unless it involves the sperm donor that was involved in my conception, that is. Yes, that is what I call him. He is nothing more. I don’t have one single memory of him in my life. I have a few memories of him calling and offering to allow Dad to adopt me and then fading into oblivion again. I’ve never spoken to him. I have seen very few pictures of him and I don’t recall being in any of them.

The thing that baffles me is the intense hatred that I can feel for someone that has had absolutely nothing to do with my life past my conception. And it is even more baffling when one of my very best friends has the exact opposite feeling for her father. He left when she was an adolescent. She talks of him often. She cries for him, she misses him … at 36, she is still her daddy’s little girl in every way and wants nothing more than to be able to run into his arms and have him tell her how much he loves her.

I envy her that. On the other hand, it breaks my heart. I know she hurts on a daily basis because he’s not there for her and shows no interest in being in her life. He is missing out on so much and it would mean the world to her if her father would embrace the woman she has become … embrace her husband …embrace her children.

Me? If the sperm donor showed up, I would do everything in my power to shield my child, my children, from him. Since he has had absolutely no interest in his own biological child, I’m sure if he were to magically appear out of nowhere, he would definitely not have an interest the boys. They aren’t my biological children, hence they would have no connection to him in any way. Sage however … I don’t even like to think about it. I have had nightmares about the man showing up and trying to ingratiate himself into my life. I’m not naïve in my dream. He is always doing so for selfish reasons and is basically a beaten, lonely man. But still, those nightmares terrify me. The terror doesn’t really have anything to do with Sage, but with wanting to shield her from the hurt that he could cause her.

If I am completely honest with myself, I don’t know if the fear really has anything to do with her at all.

I am a very rational, intelligent, strong woman. I have always been rational and have always been able to hold on to a certain type of detachment during times of stress. I’m the cool, collected one that people run to when they can’t handle things. I’m the one that fixes things. I think this trait is one of the reasons I have always been so fascinated with psychology and studied it in college.

I have no flipping idea where “I” go when I allow thoughts of the sperm donor to enter my mind. I’m not rational. Rational is the furthest thing from my mind when I think of him. My first thought when he comes to mind is usually, “I hate you.” The second thought is always, “What did I do wrong? What was wrong with me that you couldn’t love me?” I can understand those thoughts in an adolescent or even a teen full of angst. I would think they would mellow out once real life kicks in and you discover the ways of the world. One would really think that at 38 years old, that little girl inside would get the hell over it. But she’s still there and that only feeds my hatred more.

There are so many things about the situation that just make me blind with fury. I thought that once I was a parent, that I might chill out about it but I’m even worse than before. I don’t understand the whole concept of abandoning your child from the get go. I know there are many excuses that one could give, but in the end, none of them matter to me. I don’t care what you had/have going on in your life, how in the hell do you walk away from your own child? (I have trouble leaving mine just to go to work people!) So, how do you look at your 3 month old, 1 year old, 10 year old and just walk away, never to look back?

What kind of defect in your soul do you have to have to abandon your own child? And honestly, I don’t care if you come back and try to repair that relationship. Once you leave a child, you have harmed that child more than you can possibly imagine and crawling back with your tail tucked between your legs is nothing. I don’t care how many apologies you have, how much money you have, how many presents you can buy, or what excuses you have. You left your child, you are scum and you should die an excruciating lonely death in my eyes.

Having been left by a parent, as a child, helps me in my relationship with one of my boys. I was a year old when the sperm donor left; he was 3 months old when his dear mother left. I am probably the only one in his life who truly can comprehend his mixed emotions when it comes to his mother. It makes us closer in some ways, but we are so far apart in others. I have worked for the last four years to try to help him work his way through his abandonment issues and I have pushed for him to have a relationship with his mother. I felt that he needed to be a part of his younger brothers life since she had a child after she left the boys.

Lately, he has wanted to spend more time with her. I’m not stupid and I know it is because she has a disposable income and gets all kinds of cool “toys” for the boys to play with, but it still stings a little. Before, if someone referred to me as his mother, he would kind of ignore it … it was no big deal. I would correct the person if it seemed he might feel a little uncomfortable with it, but he never did. Nevertheless, it kind of stings a little.

I don’t know if it’s that teen angst I mentioned earlier or what, but he floored me in the doctor’s office the other day when I took him for his physical for college. The doctor referred to me as Mom and he snorted and said, “we aren’t even related” with a snort. After I picked my jaw up from the floor, and blinked rapidly in disbelief, I did manage to compose myself and not completely lose my fucking mind on him.

So, I mentally started making a list in my head and since I’m not his “Mom” and he has been wanting to spend a little more time with her as of late … that makes me what? His Nanny? His babysitter who is on call 24/7? I’m not quite sure. But I’m feeling as if maybe, just maybe, dear ole’ Mom owes me some compensation!!! In the past 6 months, she has seen him maybe 5 times. He leaves for a 3 week college program at a very reputable school this Sunday. She spent about an hour and a half with him yesterday. She took him to lunch, got his hair cut and gave him $50.

I, on the otherhand, in the past six months have shuttled him to and from so many baseball practices and games that I have lost count. I was the team mom and photographer. I have talked to his college numerous times and filled out multitudes of forms. I had a family gathering/cookout for he and his brother two weekends ago, entertaining 25-30 people for his “mother” to show up 3 hours late, stay for 15 minutes and then take them from their own cookout to the movies. I have gone to 2 concert recitals. I’ve shuttled him to and from dances and to field trips. I make sure he has a roof over his head, eats, has clothes on his back and has all of the support that he needs during the whole puberty thing he has going on. I’m already running around with him like a crazy person for football. Football people. As in fall sport that.

But hey, I’m “not even related.”

Parenthood is a tricky and treacherous road to travel on. It brings the most beautiful memories you will ever have. It also hurts like hell at times.

I read something one time though that has always stayed with me. It is how I think of my Dad, always. It said “Anyone can be a father, but only someone special can be a Daddy.” That is so very true. And no matter how much anger and hatred I may feel at times toward the man who was involved in my being brought into existence, there is no one else that could ever replace my Daddy. No one. While I do often wonder why one man didn’t want his child, there was another man who did want that child. I will always love him more than any man that enters my life. It even makes me feel kind of special sometimes, because he chose me.

Oh, and that compensation I mentioned earlier. No need for it though a little extra cash flow might be nice. I am compensated when I come home in the evenings and he can't wait to tell me about something. I am compensated when he hits a triple and once he's finally back in the dugout, he's yelling "did you see THAT?" I'm compensated every day just by having him in my life.

Damn! I think I might owe her some money now.

Too long

2008-06-18T13:18:00.008-05:00

I go through funks. If I manage to get two seconds to myself, I don't want to spend it on the computer and my blog suffers. Shame on me.

My nephew should be here any day now. He is two weeks late past the NEW due date, which had been set for June 2nd. Everyone is anxious and no one is more so than my mother because she leaves on Friday morning for her annual conference at work. So you know ... the minute she steps on that plane come Friday ... hello water breakage.

In the meantime, here are some shots I have taken somewhat recently, in no particular order. The kitten is Sage's. Her name is TuTu. Go figure. Dillon looks so much like my brother that it is scary. He may as well be a clone.

Daycare woes

2008-05-19T19:43:00.003-05:00

The last three weeks have been horrible. Sage's babysitter had a heart attack and has just gotten out of the hospital. She is going to be okay but she has a long recovery ahead of her with cardiac rehab.

I had to scramble and find someone in a couple of days and found someone around the corner. Sage has never been with anyone else, so I was hesitant to begin with. The first day went pretty well. It got worse each day after that. By the end of last week, she was crying before we even left the house because she didn't want to go.

I had only gotten good reports from the new sitter and then, out of the blue, she told me that Sage was "no longer welcome" there. What the fuck? What could she have possibly done? According to this woman, Sage likes to throw her food on the floor. Excuse me? Since when and why hasn't she ever done it at home? The lady decided to take her and the 15 month old that she watches into town a couple of days prior and apparently put Sage in the car seat that was easily unbuckled. So, of course Sage did what any normal two year old would do. She unbuckled the seat. And it was HER fault that the woman had to stop on the side of the road and switch her with the baby to put her into a more secure car seat. Why wasn't that done to begin with?

This woman wasn't my favorite person and I was looking for someone else to care for Sage until her babysitter has made a full recovery. This woman just left me high and dry. Is that supposed to be professional? Is that the norm these days? What is wrong with people.

I still have not found someone and am not sure that I really want to. But, where does that leave me? I have to have daycare because I have to work. Why do things have to be so difficult? Why can't I stay home????

I scare myself

2008-04-04T17:50:00.004-05:00

So, those who have known me for awhile, know that I am apt to blurt out to people at times that they are pregnant. I have a track record of six for six with one possible pregnancy still not confirmed. Not confirmed to me, at least. I've always been pretty intuitive and I have always passed it off as some freakish sixth sense that only had to do with pregnancy.

Well ......

For the last two weeks I have had this freakish fear that they have been trying to make my little nephew come out while he isn't ready. They have been inducing up the wazoo, literally, and it's been freaking me out but I hadn't said anything to anyone. Until yesterday. I finally spoke up to my mother of my suspicion and confided that I thought I had completely lost my mind.

You see, I have had this feeling that my nephew was conceived after his sibling. My brother's girlfriend is pregnant with "twins" but one has not survived. I'm crazy, right? You can't get pregnant while you are already pregnant with a viable fetus. Right?

WRONG!

It's called superfetation.

I thought that my intuition had gone all freakazoid and shit and that if I told anyone what I had thought, I would be carted off to St E's and quickly thrown into a padded room. Hey ... my going around and saying "ummm ... I think you're pregnant, did you happen to know?" would have had me burned at the stake not too long ago.

While I was confessing my insanity to my mother on the phone, my nephew's mother was in the ob/gyn's office being told that she had conceived him approximately 12 to 14 weeks after the conception of the other fetus. They have been inducing for the past 2 weeks and he isn't due for another 6 weeks from their test results.

So, no nephew for me yet. And he has a good chance. And I'm going to go hide from the internet peoples that happen to stumble across this and think I'm crazy.

What a week ...

2008-04-04T11:05:00.005-05:00

I took off of work today to take PJ to get his learner's permit and he promptly failed the test at question #15. We go back for round 2 tomorrow and hopefully he will get through the test and we will walk out of there with a shiny new piece of plastic identification to put into his wallet. And I am betting that it will take him less than two weeks to lose it. Anyone want to make any wagers? Maybe I should start a pool. The boy loses EVERYTHING, so it's only a matter of time and someone will profit from it. May as well make it worth someone's time, right?

Still no baby nephew to show off. Things aren't looking good. He will be taken by c-section at 3:30pm this afternoon and we are all praying for the best outcome possible. The doctors are not too optimistic since he is still very, very small ... 2 1/2 pounds small at 4 weeks late. I just don't know what to make of things. He's a fighter right?! He has had a strong heartbeat all of this time ... he has survived while his twin did not ... he's hanging in there. Hopefully, he will continue to do so and prove the doctors wrong.

I also received a phone call from the kids' grandmother last night. She has been diagnosed with stage 1 bladder cancer. The prognosis is good and stage 1 out of 14 is very promising. She will be having surgery to remove the pollup/tumor, and then will be tested every three months for any return of the cancer. She's optimistic. Me? I feel like someone is beating the shit out of me with a sledge hammer this week!!!

After all of the stressful news, it's time to look at my little impish child. She's always so full of life and energy and when things get me down, I just hold on to her until things are all better.

It's Electric

2008-03-31T20:43:00.005-05:00

Static electric, that is ...

Sage loves the trampoline at my Mom and Dad's house. It creates a HUGE amount of static electricity that leaves her hair pretty hilarious looking. It was actually sticking out so much that her PopPop could see it from about 60 to 70 yards away.

Happy Easter

2008-03-24T20:47:00.006-05:00

Waiting ...

2008-03-20T19:53:00.005-05:00

I'm an impatient person by nature. I hate to wait and I only have patience with children, the elderly and animals. There is no middle ground.

BUT, I gotta tell you. My new little nephew is trying my patience by insisting on staying in the womb. It's good that he is, because he is very small and his lungs aren't developed yet ... but he's late. REALLY late. I had hoped to have had pictures of him already and been able to talk about him but he just does not want to come out. I'm figuring he's going to be an Easter baby ... and everyone will be at the hospital in their Easter finery. And I will probably end up forgetting all about the ham that I will have likely put in the oven before I receive the call. Hopefully, in my mad dash out of the house, camera in hand, I remember to turn the oven off so I have a home to come back to!

Since I can't show off the new bundle of joy, I will show off my favorite camera subject. You would not believe the things she has told me this week. They are, in no particular order:

"I smack you ass mommy."

"I don't love you ANY MORE."

"I don't want you ANY MORE."

"I going to punch you in the eye."

"You are mean, and I'm going to tell Willis on you."

Those are just some of her favorite phrases to throw at me lately. She actually told me she hated me about a month ago, and even though I KNOW she had no clue what she was saying, a little piece of me died. All I could think was that 12 or 13 years from now, when she's saying it again, she's going to know what she is saying and she may very well mean it. I have NO idea how I will be able to bear hearing those words when she is in the throws of teen angst and thinks that her mother is just a big pain in the ass that she has to deal with until she is legal.

For now, she's an angel and usually wants only her mommy. I don't want that to ever change!

Pictures, pictures, pictures ...

2008-03-15T16:16:00.020-05:00

It's been a while and I've been playing with the camera and new lens for the last week. Sage finally went to a horse farm for the first time and she had a blast ... playing in the mud!

I had to throw in the picture of my brother, because I love it! And my Bacchus ... he's such a baby.

Isis, on the other hand, will eat you for lunch.

Sage ... she still amazes me everyday!

And these three as well ...

Nothing but the tu-tu

2008-01-17T20:02:00.000-05:00

I think she would wear the thing everyday if I let her. She loves to wear the tu-tu that Fairiegoddessmama Colleen gave her for xmas. She's adorable in it and I can't wait to be able to take her outside in the Spring wearing it so I can get a picture I've had in mind ever since I saw it.

Future fashionista?

2008-01-07T10:39:00.000-05:00

Or am I just in a lot of trouble when she gets older?

Do you think that maybe she is a little too young to be making fashion statements? This outfit definitely was NOT my choice.

Argh!

2008-01-06T12:58:00.000-05:00

Blogger is NOT cooperating with me!!! It won't let me upload any pictures. Wahhhhhhh

I'm so excited ...

2008-01-04T21:43:00.000-05:00

... I almost wet my pants!

Over a camera.

It's not just a camera though. It's the one I have been obsessing over for nearly two years and it's MINE! All mine. My Canon Rebel XTi came in today and I am more in love with an inanimate object than I ever thought I could be.

I always thought that having a DSLR would somehow enhance my photos, but at the same time I also thought that a good shot is a good shot, with or without a DSLR.

I'm only posting a couple of pictures because, honestly, what am I doing on the computer when I have my CAMERA sitting here on the desk speaking so seductively to me???

There's a new sheriff in town ...

And she's bored with Mommy's new toy already.

So, Mommy went after poor Isis ...

... and annoyed her too.

Ballerina in the making ...

2007-12-29T23:49:00.001-05:00

Fairiegoddessmama Colleen got this for her birthday ... she loves it!

She thinks she's a prima donna now. Oh wait ... she already thought that! Nothing like a tutu to go with the diva attitude I've been getting as of late.

I sit in Santa's yap ...

2007-12-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

A complete turn around from last year when she was a screaming banshee who would have nothing to do with the jolly fat man. She's all about hopping right up into his lap now.

There are times when I am in such awe looking at her.

It's a "happy birthday to me" party

2007-12-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

Well, Sage will be two years old on Tuesday and we had her party yesterday. It was definitely a fun occasion and she had a blast opening her presents. I missed a lot of the photo ops because I was helping with the presents. Hopefully, I will get to see a lot of the expressions I missed on the video her Aunt Kathie took.

Here are a few pictures and I plan to start posting regularly again.

More updates with many pictures to come soon. Including pictures of the furry members of the family.

Life is a Circus

2007-07-12T07:58:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I haven't posted in forever but those close to me know why! My life is crazy and I am basically a single mother of four for a year and a half. How's that for a quick family when I had no children three years ago? The universe definitely works in mysterious ways.

I promise to get back to posting soon. Life is starting to resemble some sense of order. Well, as much order as four children allow you to have!

I'll post some pictures later today.

The wonder of it all ...

2007-04-23T11:41:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes you wonder if everything you deal with will ever be worth it in the end? How you wonder if you can go on for another minute without completely losing your mind???

I don't have those days anymore for one simple reason. She makes it all worth while. No matter what life throws at me.

A Vocabulary Lesson - Toddler Style

2007-04-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

Sage has developed quite the vocabulary for a 16 month old. At least, in my opinion she has. Most people don't understand her, but I know what most of what she is saying is, unless it's that baby babble that goes on for 5 minutes before she takes a breath.

She can say, in alphabetical order:

BaBa (bottle or sippy cup)
Baby
Ball
Bird
ByeBye
Cat
Coat
Dada and Daddy
Dog
Down
Duck
Eat
Go
H'Lo (hello)
Mama and Mommy
Mine
No
Ruff Ruff
Shoe
Sock
Stop
Turtle
What
YumYums

She seems to pick up more by the day.

And, better late than never. Here are a few of my recent favorites. She's getting SO big. She's not a baby anymore ...

Update coming ...

2007-03-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. So sorry. Life has been crazy and I haven't had time to update. All is well. Sage is doing great and growing way too fast. Here's are a couple of teaser pictures. She's changing so much ...

Happiness

2007-01-15T13:41:00.000-05:00

Is her smile!

There isn't a thing on earth I wouldn't do to have the priviledge of seeing that smile as many times a day as I can.

Crazy busy

2007-01-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

Things have been really busy since the holidays and I haven't had a chance to post any new pictures of Sage. Well ... I'm starting to get a few little complaints posed as queiries, so I figure I should nip this one in the butt right now while I have a few seconds.

In one of her Christmas outfits that her MawMaw got her. Of course, the hat is hers, so she has no desire to wear it!!!

In her pretty dress and tights from her Faerie Goddessmama/Auntie Colleen. And she's playing with her house that her Uncle Lee got her. She loves that thing.

Getting a flower from her Daddy on New Year's Eve. You know she ripped the petals off and tried to eat them, right? And then she tried to feed them to me.

She's feeling much better now, as you can see from the big grins!

***If you click on the Flickr badge on the left column, there are more pictures loaded there.

Holiday suckage

2007-01-05T12:44:00.000-05:00

So, I’m sure you have been waiting to hear what a great holiday it was and how much Sage enjoyed the wonder of the first Christmas where she had at least a little bit of a clue what was going on. Last year, she was all of a week old and if she wasn’t half heartedly attached to a breast, she was asleep or barely focusing more than six inches from her face. And of course, I was feeling like I had been through the ringer and running a fever with no clue that my uterus was trying to kill me and that I would be back in the hospital in less than 48 hours.

Well, you aren’t going to hear how wonderful the holidays were. And you aren’t really going to get lots of cutesy pictures of the little monkey opening presents and having a blast. Because she was beyond sick and started vomiting at 6:30pm on Christmas Eve. Vomiting like I never want to see my child vomit again. Continuously for six straight hours, for a total of fifteen times before she wearily fell into an exhausted slumber around midnight. Christmas morning started off pretty good. We got some fluids into her and she held them down for about two hours. By 10:00am, the vomit once again made its appearance and shortly thereafter we were in the emergency room. We spent most of the day at the hospital. The culprit? Everyone who is oh so much wiser than me and knows what my child can and cannot eat! They stuffed her full of things she had never had before the afternoon of Christmas Eve and the ER pediatrician is guessing that it was the potato salad that did her in.

I had taken the week of Christmas off for a stay at home vacation of sorts to try to get things done around the house. All I managed to do was tighten the muscles in my back and lose about five pounds pacing constantly with a sick baby in my arms. She is just now getting over the entire episode … TEN days later. Her being sick has taken its toll on my sanity. There is nothing worse than having a sick child and not being able to do a thing to help her except wait it out. I take that back. Holding that sick child down on a hospital bed while a nurse shoves a suppository up her little back side to stop the vomiting was worse. I felt violated for her. There should be laws against such things. And there should be much better methods to help a sick child with all of the money that is poured into medical advancements.

I do have a few pictures from over the holidays but haven’t had a chance to download them from my camera yet. I promise to post them as soon as I get a chance. Most of them are from late last week when she felt just well enough that I HAD to put her into the beautiful dress and tights that her fairie goddessmama Colleen got her for Christmas. She looked adorable. But I was afraid she would soil the dress beyond repair if I left it on for too long, so I took it off after a few hours.

I hope everyone else had a better Christmas and we are aiming to have an extremely uneventful one this coming December.

Happy New Year to everyone and may yours be filled with love and laughter.

Happy Birthday to You

2006-12-18T11:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that it has already been a year. It may be an old cliche', but time flies when you are having fun. The absolute hardest, and most enjoyable, thing I have ever done in my life was becoming a mother. In the time span of a year, I have learned so many things, most importantly, how to look at everything with wonder again. I have always been cynical, however, you seem to have placed a pair of rose-colored glasses upon me and I see things with a new appreciation.

In the last year, you have learned so many things and have most definitely become quite the independent little girl. You have learned to say dada, mama, what, what's that, who's that, duck (which refers to every animal you see and your brother), dog, ow, uh oh, stop and the horrid, horrid shit. That last word, you decided to say repeatedly and loudly, at your siblings church play the other night during the one and only prayer! You are also trying very hard to say fish, frog and tree. While I thought that you would say no, since you hear it so often, you still haven't said it. You do shake your little head quite vigorously in it's place though.

You can take a few steps on your own, before falling over and exclaiming "UH OH!" You take everything in stride until you decide that you want to do something specifically, and then you are very adamant about doing it. You are not a child who will be bullied into things and will very likely be a strong leader. You can often be found scurrying across the floor naked since you aren't about having me put a diaper on you once you have been freed from the previously soiled one. We are going to have to work on that one monkey, because you cannot run naked at will. It will get you into trouble in the future.

You are the love of my life. There is nothing that I won't do for you and there are no steps that I won't take to insure your happiness and safety. I can't wait to wake in the morning and look at your smiling face. It absolutely takes my breath away. The sweetest moments are when you reach for me, for your morning hug and snuggle your face into my neck and hair. You make every day full of laughter and you are the most precious gift.

Happy birthday Sage. Since you are too young to make a wish, I made one for you yesterday when we blew your candle out. I wished you a life full of happiness and love, surrounded my family and friends. A life filled with laughter, joy, and health. I wished for you, all of the things that I couldn't fit into that brief pause between the end of singing happy birthday and blowing out your candle. In one breath, I wished the world for you.

Love Thursday

2006-12-14T12:26:00.000-05:00

Sage loves her Grandpa. So much so, that she let him PUT a hat on her head, and kept it on for a short time. A nasty-ass Washington Redskins santa hat at that. That's gotta be love. Right? If not for the love of her grandfather, why on earth would she allow such a thing on her head? We are going to have to show everyone who the boss is. We are going to go find an Oakland Raiders santa hat and hang out in that!!!

Gangsta!

2006-12-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

My girl, she doesn't wear hats. She hates them. I had to buy a hooded coat specifically to keep something, anything on her head. If I put a hat on her, she pulls it off within seconds. It's kind of like socks. Last week, her grandpa stopped by and had a blasted Washington Redskins santa hat and he put it on her. She kept it on for a few minutes ... I was astounded. Once she had had enough, she was very quick to remove it from her head and promptly throw it to the ground. When her grandpa picked it up and tried to put it back on her head, she swatted at it and him like he was an annoying gnat buzzing around her head and there was NO way it was going back on her head.

Last night, her big brother came in the door and had on his skullcap. She immediately reached for him and he made a comment that she loves wearing his hat. What? Hat? Pshaw ... she won't keep that thing on. Not my girl. She doesn't WEAR hats. He put it on, and she laughed. AND. SHE. KEPT. IT. ON. What does it say for the future when the only hat my beautiful, almost one-year old daughter will wear is an INSANE CLOWN POSSE skullcap???

While I think it is adorable as all get out right now, why does this also scare the beejeebus out of me? Seriously. She gave me a look last night that said "don't mess with me mom, I'll cut ya." The hat had to come off then!

Who am I kidding? My child is going to be a little bad ass ... it's in her genetics. I'm just hoping that she's rolling with mom and giving her father the hard time!

Welcome to the world little one

2006-12-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, December 5th at 6:15pm, little Kyler Jacob was born 3 weeks early to one of my dearest friends Stacy. He's so adorable! He is home with his Mom and Dad and big brother Mann and now his mommy doesn't have to worry about being in the hospital for Christmas since that was his due date.

I can't wait to see him.

Doing good for others ...

2006-12-08T15:26:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you have noticed those little ad thingies on the left there ... from BlogHer. If you haven't, take a look. BlogHer has been running public service announcements for organizations such as Doctors Without Borders and theFind.com has decided that in this season of giving and such, to donate to Doctors Without Borders. But they need your help. Click on the ad to the right for theFind.com and do a search for anything red ... red shoes, red wagon, red tights ... and for every search you do for something red, they will donate $1.00 to Doctors Without Borders. Their goal is to raise $10,000.00, which means 10,000 vaccinations for the people of the countries that are blessed to have this organizations' help. I'm sure you can think of something red to go and look for!!! So click on that link to the left and start searching.

I've been sick this week. Nasty viral infection that has been kicking my ample ass all over the place. So, not much in the mood for updating the blog. But I have these goodies for you ...

Tis the Season ...

2006-12-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

To lose my goddamned mind! Dink is out of town and I am trying to prepare for the holidays without him. The first thing I did was take Sage to see the jolly fat man, and had my parents accompany me. She wasn't having it. Not. A. Chance! She clung to me like a little velcro monkey and whimpered when I thought to bend slightly to hand her to him. She looked at me with tears in her eyes as if I had betrayed her. We left without pictures, even though I had contemplated plopping her in his lap and getting a picture of her crying. But I couldn't do it. It would have broke my heart. Dink, later that evening, said I should have gotten a picture of Santa by himself, took a picture of her, and photoshopped her into his lap. I'm thinking that a nice picture in front of the tree ... or even with a plain background is just going to have to do.

Actually, the first thing I did was get our holiday tree (I technically celebrate Yule, Dink and the kids celebrate Christmas), since Sage fell asleep on the way to our unsuccessful picture taking adventure. I got a good sized tree this year, although it is no where near as large as last years. I really, really wanted a Fraser Fir. The guy at the stand said they were the "Cadillacs of Christmas trees." They can keep their "Cadillac" for the $200.00 they wanted for it. If it had a rootball, I may have actually gone for it. $200.00 for something that is going to die over the next three weeks in my living room ... well, people in hell, ice water ... get my drift? I got the "Honda" version.

The boys and I put the tree up Saturday evening. This is where I started to feel I was in one of those Chevy Chase movies and seriously thought about ditching the entire Christmas thing this year. Because, really? Who needs the freakin' hassle? We checked the strands of lights and strung them on the tree. We put the bows and balls on. We were half way through hanging the ornaments and every strand of lights, after the first strand, goes out. Eight strands. What the fuck? Gah! No biggie, we'll worry about it later, I thought. A few minutes later, I am looking at the tree, contemplating where to put the next ornament and in slow motion, my "Honda" starts falling towards me. Luckily, I am pretty quick in reacting and I stop it from falling on me or the kids. PJ, in his attempts to help hold the tree up, is pushing me further into it and I'm yelling, "dude, back the hell up." Ugh. It was horrible. I spent the next half hour under the tree to no avail. I eventually rigged a way to prevent it from falling for the night and their grandfather stopped by and stabilized it for us in the morning.

Last night, we took everything off of the tree, and started over again. It looks pretty good and I will post pictures of it later. Sage doesn't really know what to think about a tree in the house. She keeps looking at it, pointing, speaking gibberish ... but she hasn't attempted to go over to it yet. We have several animated Christmas type decorations that sing and she IS all about them. We have a Rudolph and his nose lights up when he sings. The nose ... must look appetizing because as soon as she saw it light up, it went into her mouth. She hugs Rudolph and kisses him, and then she chomps his nose again. She also likes to hug the two snowpeople we have when they sing. She isn't too sure about the Scoobie stocking. He's kind of loud and doesn't light up. She's fine with holding him if he isn't singing. She also loves looking at everything on the fireplace mantle. I'm hoping she remains only semi-interested in the tree because, I've got to tell you ... that think terrifies me. Babies/toddlers and trees. I just don't see them being a good combination, any way you look at it.

And people are against the death penalty, why???

2006-11-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

I can't believe this or this.

I will never understand the thought behind the death penalty being wrong. Not when things like this happen! I just don't get it. How do you put a three week old baby in a microwave? You don't want your child, give it up for adoption. There are THOUSANDS of infertile couples in this country waiting on adoption lists this very minute! Or try to sell your five year old child on Craigslist? Dude if you need money, get a job! Got one ... get another one? You don't sell your child, assmonkey!!!

How does your mind ever get so fucked up that you can do something like that? How? I can't imagine how you someone can get to that point without stopping to think "Hey, there might be something wrong with me for thinking about doing something like this."

I've said it before and I will say it again. People should have to take IQ tests before they are allowed to procreate! If you don't have a combined IQ of a certain level, mandatory sterilization. Stupid breeds stupid. I know it's not a nice thing to say, but it does. And do we really need any more idiots like these people in the world? Do we? Really?

And you just know that bitch is going to get off on some insanity plea like that other bitch, Andrea Yates. Or actually be convicted and then eligible for parole in thirty years or some shit, like Susan Smith.

And don't start yammering to me about depression and psychosis and all of that crap. I was a psychology major. I get those things. But, I have never been able to get a firm grasp on sudden breaks with reality, and not knowing right from wrong, and temporary psychosis. If it isn't caused by a sudden, severe trauma or a drug induced psychosis or break from reality (and it better be severe and medically proven), don't try to use those excuses with me! Especially in the case of Andrea Yates. Bitch even admitted that while she was drowning her children, she KNEW that it was wrong but God was telling her to do it, so she did it. Bullshit! She knew she had issues with post-partum depression, she was told not to have anymore children ... and yet she, with her husbands knowledge, went off of her medication, had another child and then went all bat-shit crazy. But it's okay ... she was "insane" ... she thought God was talking to her. What the fuck ever!

Just so you know ... insane, insanity ... those are legal terms used in court only! The term insane is not used in the medical community, at all!

Happy Birthday Mads!!!

2006-11-22T15:01:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Mads.
Happy birthday to you.

I would sing this in Danish, but I don't know how and don't have the time to learn.

Mads has been nominated for an award and even though I haven't seen the movie yet, as I have no time to do anything for myself, let alone search the internet for an import ... I am so thrilled for him!!! Way to go DUDE! Congratulations! The movie is titled "After the Wedding" here in the States, and "Efter brylluppet" in Europe where it was originally released. He's up for best European actor and from what I hear, the competition is pretty fierce. I wish him the best and hope he wins. And if you get a chance, go see him as the evil, rakishly handsome Le Chiffe in the new James Bond movie. Who needs Daniel Craig? Start a little cheering section in the theater for Mads.

I always seem to cheer the bad guys on in movies. Do you think that maybe that is why there is always so much drama in my real life? You think? Possibly? My drama doesn't really make it here, so if you aren't closely involved in my life. You have no idea!

I'm sorry ... I think you have the wrong kid.

2006-11-21T11:35:00.000-05:00

Last Friday during my lunch break, I received a call on my cell phone. The number came up and when I saw the area code, I knew it was one of the schools. My first thought ... "what did she do?" I figured Kaylie had either gotten into trouble or was in the nurses office again.

I answer the phone and hear "Hi, this is so-and-so, vice principal at BMS." SO not what I expected.

VP: I just wanted to call and speak with you because Cody got into a fight this morning.

ME: I'm sorry, did you say Cody? Are you sure you have the right kid? The right parent? Cody Adkins?

VP: (Giggles) Yes, I have the right child.

ME: Is he alright?

VP: Oh he's fine. I just had to call because of the incident. Apparently, there are some children in school who think it is funny to jump out and try to scare the other children. When this happened to Cody this morning, he hit the child.

ME: Cody actually hit someone? Are you sure? Cody is the type of kid to startle, call the other kid a name and walk away.

VP: Yes, I've spoken to him about it and he's very sorry. He's been very apologetic. He told me that he's "so sorry ... because he didn't even hit the right boy."

ME: Ummm ... I hate to ask, but can you tell me who the other child was? You see, I just sent out invitations to Cody's birthday party and I really don't want a parent to call me saying "your child just punched my child and now you want me to send him to a party so he can shoot him with paintballs too."

So, Cody got into his first fight. Apparently, these kids have been picking on him. They are a little bully-ish. Cody decided he wasn't dealing with it any longer, popped the kid with a couple of left jabs and then caught his jaw with a right hook. I'm thinking Cody may be a handful sooner, rather than later.

Cody doesn't get into trouble, or fights, or skirmishes. The behavior was quite shocking, but I can't help but feel kind of proud of him for finally taking up for himself. I wish he would have chosen a different way to handle the situation, but he finally handled it instead of pretending it wasn't happening and locking it up inside. Because he doesn't get into trouble and doesn't have a past history in school for bad behavior, he received one day of in-school suspension. Since the "beatdown" took place first thing in the morning, slugger served his sentence on the day it happened.

Pink Cons!

2006-11-20T14:22:00.000-05:00

Reminding me of when I was 16, and they were all the rage. I think they were the first thing pink that I actually wore by choice. I loved my pink cons. My brother and sister-in-law bought these for Sage for Christmas last year. When she was a week old. I jokingly said that I would pull them out in a couple of years, not realizing how fast my monkey would grow!!! I thought of them on Friday after seeing a picture and pulled them out over the weekend. My heart sank a little. Her furry ugg-like boots are a size 5 and the cons are a size 4. I didn't think they would fit. But they do! Not for long, but she did get to wear them. I almost want to go buy a pair just like hers (just like my old ones) so that I can take a picture of our feet together in our matching shoes.

She has a bit of trouble standing up in them and couldn't quite get her feet under her. The reason she hadn't had them on before is that I have steadfastly refused to put shoes on her until she is walking. Her boots ... soft soled bottoms and only for going out in the cold weather. Shortly after this picture was taken, she fell. Tripped over her own feet because she wasn't used to them. Hit her head on the bottom of the glider and bit her lip. I felt so bad. She had a bruised bump on her forehead. A bloody lip. I cursed myself for putting them on her and probably won't again. And see that craziness going on, on the back of her head? Her hair looks much shorter than it actually is. It comes down to her shoulders when wet. The curls are starting to make their appearance. It is adorable. I never imagined I would have a child with curls due to how horridly straight my hair has always been. But I do. And I love it!

Sage and Cody don't do much together. He'll be twelve in a couple of weeks and, well, she can't play Playstation, so he doesn't really have much use for her. But occasionally, he puts down the gaming controller and decides to hang out with the rest of us and will play with her. And if he doesn't, she will beat him in the head with whatever she can find until he does. I tried several times to get some cute shots last night but the lighting was pretty dim and I had to put my cameras flash on high. It doesn't recharge as fast as I would like, and I missed the best ones because it wasn't ready. Here, she is leaning in for a hug. She kept laying her head on his, or just next to his on the pillow. It was too adorable. I didn't want to get any closer and disturb them, ruining the entire moment.

Speaking of Cody's birthday ... we are taking about 10 kids to play paintball. I think I've lost my mind. Especially since I have challenged he and PJ and told them that I can't wait to get them. I have no doubt that I will, but Cody wants a kids against parents battle. His mother is coming and he keeps telling everyone that his parents are going to battle them. His parents being his mother and I, since Dink will be out of town. I'm thinking that somehow, somewhere along the line, there is going to be a parent or parents who think that Cody has lesbian mothers! The only other adult that may play, is his aunt. I dont know if she will or not. I'm thinking the 10-2 ratio is just a little overkill.

The weekend

2006-11-15T12:54:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty busy for the last week or so and this past weekend was no exception. My Aunt Linda and Uncle Charlie were up from southern Virginia and they had not had the pleasure of meeting Sage yet. We went to my parents briefly on Friday evening and then had a large family dinner on Saturday. Sage wore a dress that her PopPop had bought for her several months ago, which involved the tights that I had to wrestle her into. She was so adorable though. Very much worth the effort on my part, however, I don't know that Sage would agree! There are no words to describe the adorableness of it all. Is that actually a word? Adorableness? I think I may have made it up. Ish. Who cares! It is what it is. She is the most adorable little creature I have ever met. And I am NOT biased!

And you thought she couldn't get any cuter! Her smile makes me melt into a gooey pile of mush that is putty in her hands. The only thing more intoxicating is her laugh. It is one of the laughs of reckless abandon that comes from deep down. One of those laughs that you often only find in children before they learn to erect invisible walls to hide behind, protecting themselves from the rest of the world. I would do anything to prevent her having to do that in the future. Her laugh is so genuine ... so full of life. I can't wait until our evening routine (if she doesn't fall asleep downstairs first), where we lay on the bed and she seeks being tickled. She starts laughing before I even touch her because she knows it's coming.

She did have her picture taken with her Great Aunt Linda on Saturday. It surprised me that she chose to go to her so quickly when she usually seems more drawn to men. The people she usually chooses to go to are her father, her oldest brother, her grandfathers and her uncles, if I am trying to give her to someone so that I can take care of any tasks. Women? Her babysitter and my mother. That's usually it. Surprising me even more, was the fact that she would NOT go to her Great Uncle Charlie.

Her third cousin LJ was there as well, pictured here with my mother. He was born on her due date, two days prior to her. At one point I was on the floor with both of them, reached out and touched his face. She saw me. She is a very jealous little thing when it comes to her mommy. She promplty came to me, climbed up and put her little head on my shoulder, hugging me as tight as she could while she watched his every move! She does the same thing if her father gets near me. This jealousy is the way I now get kisses from her. If her father kisses me, she HAS to. He kissed my cheek over the weekend while we were on the floor and told her "my mommy." She wasn't having it. She crawled over to us, climbed up into my lap, grabbed my face and proceeded to kiss me over and over. She blatantly refused to kiss her daddy when he asked, but when he kissed my cheek again, she was all about kissing on the mama! Yay!

As we played on Sunday evening, I did not yet know that she was coming down with a cold. Little Mr. LJ had a very runny nose and while I did what I could to keep her from playing with the same toys ... they were HER toys and well, I had to leave for about an hour and have no idea what she stuck in her mouth during my absence. All I know is that as of yesterday morning, she was a GEYSER O' SNOT. Sunday night she had trouble sleeping, tossing and turning as she tried unsuccessfully to breathe through her nose. It broke my heart to not be able to make it all better. She kept snorting like a snuffulofagus in her sleep and would wake up crying. It was horrible.

This was the quiet before the storm. She slept for about half and hour before waking up with a stuffed nose. I gave her tylenol in case the stuffiness was teething related and started the vaporizer with some Vicks in it. It didn't really help much. Notice that shirt says "more like mommy everyday?" Let me tell you what isn't like mommy in that picture. Sleeping. Mommy hasn't slept in several days now because Sage can't breathe. Yesterday, after speaking with the nurse at her pediatricians' office, I went out and bought a cool mist humidifier instead. She said I didn't need the Vicks. She said it has been medically proven that it does nothing to help. She LIED like a rug. I ran the humidifier for almost two hours prior to Sage's bed time. She could NOT sleep. I plugged in my Vicks Vapor plug and within the hour she was breathing better. She didn't wake up as much last night as she had on Sunday night, but it still wasn't smooth sailing. The next time I see a snotty child, I'm grabbing my monkey and running far, far away.

Princess on Ice update: Kaylie really enjoyed her outing with her grandmother, Aunt Debi and cousins. This is the outfit I bought her for the occasion. I got the works ... blouse, skirt, tights and new shoes. I also bought her a new coat. A really cute pink parka that she loves. She loved this outfit. Does is look like it? Ummm ... NO! Kaylie is the most unphotogenic, photogenic child I have ever come across. She's an enigma. A photographers nightmare. When she is just being herself, and isn't focused on the fact that there is a camera about to snap her picture, the shots I get of her are beautiful. If she is aware, she tries to smile and it ends up looking like a grimace of pain. I don't like that and refuse to photograph it. It can be cute in very few instances and trying to take a picture of her, in her new clothes, because I wanted a nice picture is not one of those instances. Needless to say, this is the grumpy look I got immediately before the waterworks began because I told her to STOP. WITH. THE. FAKE. SMILE. ALREADY! She stomped from this picture, to the couch, where she cried and pouted until her grandmother picked her up. All because I WANTED to take her picture. All because I was going out of my way to make it her day, and all about her, and dote on her because I rarely have the chance to do so. Other than her coming home with cotton candy, a Tinkerbell doll, and two princess crowns ... I don't know much about her adventure because she was still pouting about the picture taking fiasco, promptly took her bath and went to bed.

You know ...

2006-11-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

I've told you how much the Monkey hates socks? Right? I know I have. I tell everyone. She even spent a good ten minutes on Saturday trying to get her tights off before she realized it wasn't happening and gave up. I had to wrestle them onto her when I put them on.

Saturday evening as her father is putting his socks on, she is on the floor at his feet. He puts the first one on and she watches him. He picks the second one up to put it on ... she sticks her damn foot out at him. She wore his sock until he took it away from her!

I have just one word ...

WHY???

Getting to Know You

2006-11-10T07:32:00.000-05:00

Because I'm tired and can think of nothing to write, I thought I would participate in this little thingie going around.

Everything in bold are things I have done.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (only a few hundred times)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends – Still do.
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured an ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played Dungeons & Dragons for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (raising) children (child)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
151. Finished a marathon

I've never really thought I've done much, but this actually makes me feel like have! Maybe I'll post my "Things I Want to do Before I Die" list one day. Some of them are even on this list.

Feel free to share yours as well either in the comments section or in your own post. If you decided to do it in your own post please leave your url so that I can check it out. Inquiring minds want to know!

Love Thursday

2006-11-09T07:35:00.000-05:00

Love is looking into his eyes and seeing the trust that he has in you.

And knowing that he trusts you enough to do what is right by him. Loving him enough to let him go when you have too many things going on in your life to do right by him. Loving him enough to give Lisa the chance to love him just as much.

Love is making sure that you have the time and energy to focus your attention on what and who matters most in your life and needs you more than anyone else.

To learn more about love Thursday, please visit Chookooloonks blog.

Girl Scouts?

2006-11-03T15:32:00.000-05:00

Well, Brownies, to be more specific. A mother from Kaylie's church stopped by a few weeks ago and told me that she was starting a local Brownie troop and she would love to have Kaylie in it. What was I going to say? No? I have been wanting to get Kaylie involved in something that was girlie and just about her for some time now. Specifically, I have wanted to enroll her in dance school since last summer and have never had the chance to do so. But Brownies? She seemed gung-ho, so why not!

For those who know me ... I'm not the Girl Scout type. I'm not about conforming and having gatherings with people once a week and making nice and all that. Not to mention the whole overtly Christian overtones to the group. To each her own, but it's not for me. Besides, if you want church, go to church ... don't have it force fed in extra-curricular type activities for children as well. I. JUST. DON'T. LIKE. IT. I do know that for one brief time in my young life I was a Poppy, which is the 4H equivalent of a Brownie. The lady that lived behind us ran the group and I think I went to one meeting. I don't remember a thing about it but I do know that I never really liked the woman because she always thought she was better than everyone else, and that may very well have gotten my Poppyhood taken from me.

Kaylie is the "do what all the other girls are doing" type of girl with a twist. She will do what they are doing and join in to be like the others, but then she wants to boss them around and be all mother-hen like. It should be an interesting experience for her since her "den mother" and I have had a talk and she is to put her little butt in it's place when she gets out of line, which hopefully won't be too often. Last night was her second meeting and she came home with something hidden behind her back. She got to "paint" what looked to me like a winged cat, but I couldn't really tell with her bazillion-mile-a-minute recount of the activities for the night and the brandishing in the air of the cat(?), and talk of a coloring book, that I had to tell her FOUR times, that it was not going to school with her! And there was something in there about her wearing her Brownie vest to school on Thursdays, but I didn't catch the entire thing and need to clarify that. Vest to school? Not to sound like Sage, but ... WHAT? Why wear the vest to school?

Kaylie is also going to a "Disney Princess" ice show thingy tomorrow with her grandmother. I bought a new outfit for her to wear today and Dink just didn't get it. He is home with her today because she wasn't feeling well, so I called:

Me: Ask Kaylie if her black dress shoes still fit.

Dink: No, she has white.

Me: So I need to get shoes too!

Dink: For what?

Me: For her princess outing tomorrow with your mother, to go with the new outfit I am getting ready to get her.

Dink: But they don't have to dress up.

Me: I know they don't have to, but it's a princess thing and they are down front. She's going to ride in the carriage on the ice because she's in the VIP section. She'll WANT to be dressed up.

Dink: Why? They don't have to dress up.

Me: It's a girlie thing, you don't understand, GAH, I'm buying her new clothes! You just stick with the boy things. Hmmm ... K?

He's clueless about little girl things. Clueless, I tell you. Are all men like that when it comes to little girls? Or just mine?

Love Thursday ...

2006-11-02T11:04:00.000-05:00

Every Thursday, many bloggers post a picture to their blog and into a group on Flickr called "Love Thursday." There are some adorable pictures and I had to add this one in.

What?

2006-11-02T10:31:00.000-05:00

What? What's that? What? Sage has learned the word what. And occasionally, she says whastha ... which is "what's that" in a manner in which you expect to turn around and see a pimping, slick skat cartoon cat uttering it. I should start calling her skat baby. She will hear her Daddy downstairs and call out "WHAT?" I will tell her something and she will answer me with "WHAT?" It's quite cute and there are times when it seems like she really is making an inquiry and not just repeating the same new thing over and over again.

She is also hissing now. She actually hissed herself to sleep the other night, still making the noise once she had fallen alseep. The kids have each come up with a reason that she would be hissing, all of which are kind of hilarious when you watch them try to take credit for teaching her a new sound. I honestly don't know who she picked it up from, or if she just started it on her own. I thought the argument over it last night was going to come to blows between PJ and Kaylie, so I quickly asserted that I'm the mama and that she copied me. So there. STOP. THE. ARGUING! I honestly think they sit around in their respective rooms at times and just think up shit to try to argue about. Like arguing over a pencil. A standard, generic, yellow pencil that looked just like the other bazillion pencils in the box on the bakers rack ... except this one was sharpened ... and they argue over it. A fifteen year-old and a seven year-old. GAH!

And I think I'm obsessed. Something else to do with photos. I'm liking the Tabblo site. I was at it again. Now I need to take lots more pictures and upload old ones for the 100th time, just so I can make more of these.

Kisses and Hugs

Love all around

... See my Tabblo>

Something new ...

2006-11-01T11:36:00.000-05:00

OHMIGOD ... Found a simple place to make collage type things online so that I don't have to poke around in PhotoShop all of the time!!! Check it out.

See my Tabblo>

Mama's Been Holding Out!!!

2006-11-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

This is the reaction I got telling Sage about Halloween and explaining that I was going to dress her up in a costume. It's like she was taking it all in and showing her amazement at the thought of it all. I told her all about candy and explained that she could have it one day, but right now ... just too little and I didn't want her getting sick from it. She was laughing and carrying on like she understood everything I was saying, and thinking mommy quite the fool for contemplating keeping something that sounds so good from her awakening tastebuds.

I got my adorable little witchlet this t-shirt at Toys R' Us over the weekend. She was more interested in getting off the socks of death and paid no attention to the shirt. The child hates to have socks on her feet. They lasted for about 60 seconds. I wanted black tights but can't find them anywhere. Hell, I can't even find red tights in her size. Everywhere I went had white, cream and pink! I need red tights for her Christmas outfits, so I guess I need to find them online and order them. So far she has three outfits for Christmas, only one of which has matching tights because they came with the outfit. I need to find a Thanksgiving outfit for her though. I don't know what it is about having a baby that makes you want to dress them for every little holiday that comes along. Thanksgiving? Why? Who dresses up for Turkey Day?

Below are a few pictures I took last night. Sage didn't like wearing her costume much because she wanted to wander and kept crawling into it and getting stuck. She was adorable though.

Sage with her hobo Daddy.
By the way, that's a Tootsie Pop in her hand. Given to her by her Grandpa and then later unwrapped and given back by her Daddy. So much for the talk about no candy until she's older. She was sticky from head to toe after playing with that thing for over an hour last night!

All of the kids with their Dad. From left to right: Tyler as the Grim Reaper; Cody as a "Paintball Dude" (basically lazy and HATES to dress up for Halloween); PJ as the psycho killer clown chaperone; Kaylie as an angel and Sage as the cutest pumpkin in the patch!

My very own pumpkin? What do I do with it?
Chew on the stem! That's what she did with it.

Yesterday morning ... getting my lovins' in for the day before heading off to work!

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

My favorite holiday, although Christmas and the Yuletide season may take over as I watch Sage grow and get excited about all of the jolly fat man stuff.

Samhain is the traditional name of what is now the candyfest of Halloween. A day to remember those that have passed before us and to pay our respect. The night of the year when the veil between our earthly realm and the spirit world is thinnest.

All I am going to have time for tonight is family gathering for dinner and cake and Halloweenesque goodies. I'll have pictures tomorrow. Sage is going to be plopped into a pumpkin costume for as long as she can stand it. At least long enough for me to get some pictures! Kaylie is going to be an angel. It seems to be a recurring theme and I am hoping that the concept starts to rub off on her so that she doesn't get in trouble in school anymore!

Cody thinks he's jumping out of bushes to scare little kids. Not happening. I guess he'll be disappointed about that one, but oh well.

Now, I'm off to go home and carve pumpkins with the kids, feast on chicken alfredo and goodies, then send them off to roam the neighborhood while I hand out candy to the ghouls and try to get Sage to bed during it all! Yay, me ... supermama, I'm not! I may lock my door and turn off the lights early. :o)

Happy Birthday PopPop

2006-10-27T08:46:00.000-05:00

A day late ... yesterday was Dad's birthday. When I called to speak to him, he hinted around that he and Mom would be home and if I had anything I needed to do that evening, I was welcome to drop Sage off and they could "watch" her for me. Funny, eh? I told him that if he wanted to see his granddaughter on his birthday, all he had to do was say so. And he did. So we went down last night. Looks like they had fun! Monkey got a bit of an attitude shortly before we went home because her MawMaw was a meanie last night. She wouldn't let her eat an emory board, and let's just say ... IT. BROKE. HER. HEART. Sob city! You would have thought her every happiness hung on the chewing of that little scrap of sandpapered wood.

My brother lives and works on a his wife's family farm. It's a dairy farm mostly, but they grow corn and bale hay and straw. Maybe a few other things. I've asked for straw ... and corn stalks. I have this really elaborate set up in my mind to take pictures of Sage for Halloween tomorrow. It's supposed to fucking rain! Gah! It's actually supposed to rain this afternoon, into tomorrow. That's a BIG problem because my elaborate little scenario involves all of the leaves that I have very impatiently been waiting to have on the ground under my maple tree. FOR THREE WEEKS! Bastard weather god ... who is it that sends down the rain? I think it's Zeus. The philandering whoremonger. I've got some choice words for him right about now! I can't make my precious little bundle sit in wet leaves. And I won't be home in time to bag them up in all of their crispy dry goodness.

On the toffusus front ... number five has finally managed to push a point of it's pearly whiteness through her gums. Between those damned teeth, her ear infection and that blasted cough that her germ ridden, infectious mama gave her ... sleep was a not on the agenda last night. She would doze off to sleep and wake up either fussing or outright screaming like a banshee quite often and the only way to soothe her was to pick her up and bounce her. Can we say tired? Good. 'Cause I am. I told my mother, the other day, that I have resigned myself to never getting enough sleep again. Ever. I'm convinced that she will never sleep through the night again, after teasing me with 3 months of blissful seven hours stretches without waking. Well, at least not until she is well into her teens, at which point I will stand sentry outside her bedroom window to make sure that she isn't sneaking out. See what I mean? No sleep for me. Ever again. I will live the rest of my days in the limbo of catnaps and sleepy alertness.

So, an enjoyable evening was had by all yesterday evening and Sage got to play with her PopPop, who I am convinced is going to be her very best friend when she enters into toddlerhood. Which is how it should be. My PopPop was my best friend in the whole world and I thought he walked on water. There wasn't a thing he couldn't fix, until my windup music box from "It's a Small World" at Disney World broke. I've always secretly longed to have another one of those but I know I will never find it. And I don't want a new one. I want the old school windup variety that did not need $10 worth of batteries to operate for 2 hours. I picture Sage and my father being like my PopPop and I were. Lazy afternoons fishing. He was self-employed, so I got to go on calls with him often. Nazi-mama that I am, if Sage goes to work with her PopPop, it will likely be with earplugs inserted to protect her hearing from that loud-ass truck ... but I can see her tagging along. She and Dad remind me of Forrest and Jenny ... they go together like peas and carrots.

Pictures

2006-10-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

Because I have no energy to do anything else!

Sickness ... ugh.

2006-10-26T07:50:00.000-05:00

I'm sick ... and Sage is sick with an ear infection ... and I'm still trying to transfer everything from the other journal. I hate being sick. HATE. IT.

So you get this. Try it. Come back and let me know what you are.

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

What Element Are You?

By the way, they should have some kind of note to Leos ... no need to take this test, you already know what you are! And I do NOT want to be the center of attention.

Looking For a New Journal Home ...

2006-10-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

As much as I like what I have been able to do here at Live Journal, I am looking for a new home for my blog. One that I can transfer this one too ... and build upon. One that allows me to do everything I want without silly restrictions. One that doesn't consider the photo of a breastfeeding mother to be pornography and bans people who inadvertently thought that it wasn't.

What the fuck? While I'm not one to post a photo of myself breastfeeding ... because my shit went on strike after my uterus tried to kill me and I couldn't breastfeed ... I think that a woman who wants to share a photo of such should be allowed to. AND ... well, I want to specialize in maternity and infant portraiture. How many breastfeeding shots do you think I'm going to be taking? While I plan on having a domain for my photography business once it's up and running, I pay Live Journal to blog here. I should be able to post a picture of a suckling babe if I want to.

I am trying to work out the look at one host, but I'm having difficulties and have all but given up on them. We'll see. Stay tuned for the info on the move. I'll post a link and let you know when the other blog is up and running.

test of new page

2006-10-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

On to bigger and better things in the blogosphere! I'm hoping to be able to move the content from my Live Journal site to here, but I'm not sure if it is possible or how to go about it. I guess I can leave it up and post a link from there to here.

This is one of the last pictures that I posted over at Tammy's Meanderings and think it's just too adorable to not include in the beginning of this one. If that is what this is ... the beginning.

I need to work on the look and feel on the journal and try to get my colors back. This will be an experiment for the next week or so until I figure things out and decide if I want to permanently move things here or not.

Sage has been into everything the last few days and can now remove herself from her walker whenever she feels like it. I had to move it to its' highest setting and that seems to have detered her a bit, but she still tries to get out after about ten minutes of cruising around the house. She is also making more frequent attempts to walk. She moves from one piece of furniture to the other with no problem if they are within a couple of feet of each other. The next few weeks should bring about quite the flurry of activity.

She also now says "Mama" with gusto and doesn't hesitate to say it when trying to get my attention or if she is heading toward me. Yay me. Finally. After months of feeling white hot jealousy toward Dink because she said "DaDa" first.

I'll also be trying out some ads from BlogHer to see if they lead to anything. I don't know why ... but I thought I would give it a try.

Sponge

2006-10-13T12:05:00.000-05:00

That is the new nickname that I have come up with for Sage. She is starting to mimic every little thing she sees me do and it is adorable. She learns so fast! She picked up the hand clapping for patty-cake pretty fast and that was months ago. Shortly after, at the end, she would throw her hands up in the air when you said "toss 'em up high." In the last week, she has also started to try to roll her hands around each other when you say "roll 'em up" and it is a sort of hand slapping thing that she goes crazy with. She's so excited about that part, that she starts in the second line and continues to the end, where she will promptly start clapping again to let you know that you are NOT finished with the chanting of patty-cake. She will also clap if you say "yay."

Another thing she has picked up over the last couple of weeks and continues to do is blowing raspberries. She learned this several months ago, did it for a week and stopped. Like, HA! You like when I do that so I'm going to not do it anymore. HA HA! And HA! Now she will do this on her own and when prompted, spraying baby spit to the four winds and making a general mess of things. Also, this is a good game to play while eating dinner so that her mommy can wear all sorts of non-tasty pureed foods. This is not a good thing and I need to get her to stop. Sweet potatoes in the eye ... it hurts. Stings like a mother! But how do you get her to stop when your first response to the raspberry spitting of food is to laugh at her adorable, cherub-like face? Especially when followed by a very animated response from mommy that usually includes jumping up mumbling, "For the love of ... OW. Jeebus that hurts." All while baby is laughing like a loon because look at mommy, she's funny! Yeah. She's not going to stop, is she?

So ... disciplining Sage while laughing or making her laugh ... not gonna work so good. I should have known I wouldn't be any good at this part of motherhood since I always laughed at my sister whenever Kayla did something completely inappropriate but adorable at the same time. Like when she was four and was on the floor coloring. Judy and I were watching television and we hear "damn it." Of course, Judy promptly scolded her for it and said "Kayla Michelle, good little girls do NOT say that word." Me? I'm sitting there trying to stifle a giggle. Kayla's response ... holds up a broken crayon and says "they do when they break their crayons!" Judy was still able to maintain her composure and let her know that it is still inappropriate for a little girl to say such things. Me? I was laughing hysterically running up the stairs before my sister kicked my ass for inadvertently encouraging the child to say "damn it" whenever she wanted to make someone laugh.

Sage is also waving good-bye now. Whenever she wants. She won't always wave if you wave to her, but if say "bye" and wave, 99% of the time, she'll wave back. And remember when we were kids, the cowboys and indians that we all had to play? And if you were the indian, which I always was, you would smack yourself in the mouth until your lip swelled up while making a noise? She does that. But sometimes she forgets to make the noise so she's just smacking herself in the mouth. I am trying to have this lead into throwing kisses, but everytime I throw her a kiss ... I get the indian "wah wah wah wah" thingy instead.

We are getting really close to walking now too. The other night she was standing against the chair. She wanted to be standing next to the couch which was about two feet away. She spread her pudgy little legs as far apart as she could, leg go of the chair and stood there for a few seconds and then turned and reached for the couch like it was no big deal. Well, it is a big deal!

For one, she's going to be toddling around on two feet anytime now and I'm going to be babbling in the corner wondering "where's the baby?" Babies don't walk. Toddlers walk. I should at least have my baby until she is one. That seems only fair. I waited FOREVER for a baby. I'm being selfish and want her to stay a baby for longer than she is going to give me!

Two, she's already into everything. What in Hades am I going to do when she can walk and get into more places that crawling or the walker don't allow? Again, babbling in the corner.

Three ... Cody's room! The thought of her going in there is scarier than any other imaginable scenario that I can come up with right now. Cody's room looks like the Playstation area, the army people area, and the anything tiny and chokeable area of the store all threw up IN CODY'S ROOM! I tried to walk through there the other day to get something. With no shoes on. I kid you not, I stepped on something small, hard and pointy no less than ten times in the span on six feet. He should have a sign posted on his door that says "DANGER." Getting him to clean the room is like trying to get Sage to recite the Gettysburg Address. Pretty near to being a sure sign of the Apocalypse. It just isn't happening. You can threaten that child with being grounded until he is fifty and he will not clean that room and get everything put away. You can take away the Playstation. You can threaten to throw everything he owns away. Nadda. He will make a half-hearted attempt to shove everything under his bed and sneak out when you aren't looking. But ... he will NOT clean that room. I think I'm going in there this weekend with trashbags. Either it will scare him into action or we will have a truck load of things to take to the dump! What we cannot have any longer is a refusal to clean the damn room. It is now a danger and if it isn't cleaned by him, and I have to do it ... well, let's just say there will be many tears and wailing that will make you think he is mourning the passing of a loved one, if I have to clean HIS room.

You know what I'll be doing this weekend. Cleaning an eleven year old boys room while he flings himself on his bed and cries because you are throwing away all of the junk that he is collecting. Also, this weekend ... I'm likely taking a girl from Dink's church to look at Othello, because he needs someone who has time for him and I'm not a very good horse mommy right now. It's killing me. I love this horse so much, but it's just not fair to him. So, I may be selling him.

He's so beautiful. And he's so sweet. If I do sell him, it's going to break my heart.

Having Sage has made me have to give up some things in life. She's definitely worth it, but I so wish I didn't have to make choices like this one.

Waving bye the other morning before leaving for the babysitter. And screaming at her furby!

Getting into mommy's movies again ... and laying on the floor blowing raspberries at mommy.

Can we say BED HEAD? OHMIGOD! I can't believe the way this childs hair sticks up in the morning.

Sleepy ... So Sleepy

2006-10-10T08:57:00.000-05:00

That's my new mantra. I learned it from the FURBY. The last two nights have been HELL! Sunday night, Sage did not sleep well at all. She basically tossed, turned, screeched and howled ALL night. I laid on the couch, trying to soothe her and probably slept ten whole minutes. Last night, not much better. She finally fell asleep at 10:15 and woke at 2:20 a.m. I rocker her, I walked with her, I laid down with her, I walked some more, I changed her, I fed her ... I did everything except for spin on my head like a dradle! I even gave her some infant tylenol in case there is another blasted tooth trying to push it's way through her gums! She finally fell back asleep at 3:30 a.m. And was up screaming like a banshee at 4:20 a.m. And I didn't go back to sleep.

I love my girl more than anything. I gladly handed her over to the babysitter this morning and cried as I walked out the door. Only I wasn't crying because I was leaving her yet again, and taking the chance on missing another first. I was crying because I felt guilty that I was relieved to not be holding onto her and trying to soothe her when NOTHING was working. I think this is the first time that I have been SO tired that I wanted someone else to take care of her. I HATE THAT. LOATHE IT. I feel like I have let her down and deserve to have someone flog me in the middle of the town square for being a failure.

I'm not sure how many more nights of no sleep I can take. Today is Dink's birthday. I have already told him that when she goes to sleep tonight, so will I and if he even thinks (even quietly in his noggin) about waking me up, AT ALL, for ANY reason ... I will kill him dead. And for good measure, to make sure that he knew just how much I had meant the threat, I might even resusciate him and kill him dead again.

My angel. She is the sun, the moon and the stars. She is my everything. She is going to be the death of me. Death by sleep deprivation. Or death by doing something stupid while under the effect of sleep deprivation. What I wouldn't give to be able to take one of her mid-afternoon naps right about now!

If you look VERY closely in the left picture, you can see her top tooth just behind her lip. And if you look just as closely on the bottom right (her left) you can see where tooth number four finally broke through the gums. OR you can click on the picture, and when it comes up, click on it again to get the full effect of her wide open mouth and see the tooth very clearly in the photos original size.

Feeling the love ...

2006-10-09T15:18:00.000-05:00

... or not.

I had hoped to have the opportunity to do something, but due to various circumstances, I wasn't able to do so. I know. I'm vague. However, because of said circumstances, I re-named the "Blonde Bimbo" to the "Blonde Bimbo Dink" and Coll told me he might not speak to her again if he found out. Apparently, he's none too happy about being called the Blonde Bimbo. I believe he's offended. For no reason really, but we all know what that Y chromosome does to logic! Whoa. Boxers get all bunched, making the boys uncomfortable and all, and well ... when there is a believed offense, that offense will be held onto until someone pries it from their death grip and makes them throw it away.

Once upon a time, I had a crush. It was a BIG crush. This crush almost led to my purchasing a particular tank top that this crush had worn at one point. The individual who had possession of the item even questioned my intended use of the item if he were to sell it to me. It was kind of skeevy really ... dirty as hell ... smelled of BO ... and that made me want it even more. I know, I'm SICK! It was an illness. And before you call me a pervert one more time, I was actually going to frame the shirt. AND HANG IT ABOVE MY BED. So yeah, I guess I am kind of a perv afterall. I didn't buy the shirt though. Because I was going to feel really stupid with that shirt hanging above my bed when my best friend had just started seeing my crush.

And talk about CRUSHED. There went all of my fantasies ... shot straight to hell. Well, because I couldn't really fantasize about the guy that I knew was romancing my BFF! We joked about him occasionally. When he pissed her off, she would offer him to me ... knowing damn well she didn't mean it ... AND that I just didn't think about him in that way anymore.

Anyway, for me to be crushing so hard ... you know this guy had to be pretty smoking hot, right? I don't have bad taste. It may be questionable at times, but it's not bad. People just wonder. WHY? But not this crush. My friend Eddie and I used to argue over him. Well, he was always the ace in my pocket. Eddie and I had the same type of taste in men ... we would sit in a bar and inevitably, we would both notice the same man, at the same time. Always pissed me off that he scoped the room and made sure that he had to use the facilities at the exact same time as the hot guy across the bar. He always had something flippant to say when he came out of the restroom and if there was any indication that the guy was gay ... well, that's when I pulled the ace out of my pocket.

Eddie: Girl, too bad you can't go in there. You should check his shit out!

Me: That is just so wrong ... at least you know if they are a waste of time before it gets too far!

OR

Eddie: Not worth the effort.

Me: Thanks Eddie. I was just looking ... now I don't even want to do that.

OR

Eddie: He's gay ... HALLELUJAH!

Me: Well, insert hot crush guys name sure as hell isn't!

Eddie: Biatch! Why did you have to go there.

Yeah, so ... I've lost track of where I was going.

Ahhh ... Blonde Bimbo ... smoking hot ... fantasies shot to hell and all that. Now before he goes all getting his shackles up, when I say that Coll shared things with me, she didn't share details! Now who's the perv? But Coll would share with me what she would be doing and such in the evening or on the weekend. Just generalizations. Generalizations, that at times, would make me sigh and weep and curse the internet gods, who gave me my bestest friend in the world, for dangling such a morsel in front of me only to say nanny-nanny-boo-boo! Sometimes it would be steaks on the barbie ... attending a function ... yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well, one night it was champagne and a bubble bath. And dinner. Provided to her. By his HOTNESS! Excuse me? I'm drooling, slovenly ... like I'm part Mastiff or some shit ... over the mere thought of a damn dirty tank top and he's filling a big tub with bubbles, popping a bottle of Cristal and cooking dinner. So, I kind of blurted out "that Blonde Bimbo!" He was macking on my girl. Like nobodies business. Like he had to work to get some. And no, before anyone goes there, I'm not calling Coll easy. But I would have been. Nah ... not that easy. He would have had to feed me a piece of lettuce or something first. But seriously, I was astounded at the thought and effort he was putting into this particular evening and while it was sweet, and romantic and all of that mushy stuff that makes your heart flip-flop in your chest and your stomach feel like it's on a roller-coaster, in my eyes ... SO NOT NECESSARY DUDE! Hence, the Blonde Bimbo.

I Think She's Been Going to Whiskey Bars ...

2006-10-05T10:29:00.000-05:00

Sage has this husky, I've smoked ten packs of cigarettes and drank a bottle of bourbon, thing going on with her voice. It's the only sign I have seen that she is coming down with a cold, other than her crankiness. The teething unpleasantness and side effects ... they just don't stop, do they? The babysitter mentioned that her nose was runny when I picked her up yesterday evening, but I saw no sign of that. Just that I-just-did-a-shot-of-whiskey huskiness going on.

The mosquito bite ... not much better looking then it was on Tuesday night.

Tuesday night before leaving to go to the doctor's office.

Last night

Sage also has a new favorite activity for playtime. It's called "Let's rip all of the movies off of Mommy's shelf and eat them!" Sounds fun, eh? Doesn't matter if she's in her walker or just hanging out ... she's gotta pull them off the shelf. The other night, she was cruising around the kitchen in her walker, waving one of Dink's 'Girls Gone Wild' videos and he just about had a coronary.

Dink: That's just wrong, she should not be playing with THAT video.

Me: Not like she knows what's on the cover ...

Dink: But, but, the other kids, they shouldn't see her waving that around like that.

Me: So, take it from her prude. And don't leave them on my video shelf.

Dink: I didn't leave it there, PJ did ... after he watched it. Bad PJ! You shouldn't be watching videos like that.

PJ: What? I didn't. I didn't watch that movie. I don't even know what it is. (as he runs to his bedroom, turning ten shades of red)

For the record ... PJ didn't watch that movie. PJ would be too embarassed to even glance at the cover (that shows nothing) as he walked by.

Here is my angel ... pulling all of Mommy's movies from their proper place. In her new favorite way to sit. Cracks me up. And her foot just because. I hate feet. But I love her little chubby feet. I know. I'm weird. But I love nibbling on her toes.

Don't you just want to pinch those little cheeks?

Last Week, Hell ... This Week, Jail

2006-10-04T13:08:00.000-05:00

So, I picked Sage up at the babysitters yesterday and noticed immediately that the side of her left calf looked like it was in need of dire medical attention. I freaked out over the damn mosquitoes biting my baby. And what the hell happened to her leg? Automatic assuming of worse went into overdrive and my mind went straight to a) bit by nasty little eight-legged freaks, probably a horrid brown recluse, and the doctor was going to have to cut her leg and drain it ... b) bit by nasty little eight-legged freaks, that lay eggs in peoples flesh and OHMIGOD, the baby spiders would be hatching from my daughter if I did not get her to the doctor NOW! Yeah, it looked that bad for a mosquito bite. And yeah, spiders, those like black fuzzy looking things from the garden in particular, DO lay eggs in human flesh ... LIVING human flesh. My seventh grade science class and the story told by a boy named Wade came rushing back to me in all of it's horror and, OHMIGOD, a spider laid eggs in my babies leg.

It's a mosquito bite. And apparently Monkey is developing a "sensitivity" according to the pediatrician. I have pictures and I will post them once I get them uploaded into the computer. The doctors advice ... keep her away from mosquitoes. Like I set her outside on the deck at dusk, sipping Mai Tais, and let the mosquitoes feast on her tender baby flesh.

All of this has me wondering what I'm going to do if, or I should say when, something actually happens to her that is more serious than a mosquito bite?!? Am I going to be able to hold myself together? I'm not an overly dramatic person and usually remain calm during crisis situations. I'm always the voice of reason. I've always had the ability to detach myself from a situation enough to be useful instead of getting in the way. I'm not thinking I will be able to do that where my daughter is involved and it scares the shit out of me. What if I'm the only one there, like when she busted her lip over the weekend and I was freaking about where all of the blood was coming from, and cursed her father steadily for half an hour for working on the weekend, when he should have been home with me just in case she fell on that stupid block she wants to eat and cut her lip? Now that I look back, there wasn't that much blood. But Saturday evening, OHMIGOD, the blood! Where's it coming from? Did you cut your lip? Did you cut your gums? Did you somehow manage to bite your tongue with the slightly protruding top tooth? Did you knock a tooth out? For the record. Litte tiny cut. Bottom lip. Complete freak-out on my part. She was asleep forty-five minutes later.

I think worrying about her safety is going to be the end of my sanity. I can't deal with things hurting her. I can't deal with the possibility of it. What the hell am I going to do when she comes home from kindergarten and says some child pushed her down on the playground? I can tell you right now, at the rate my mind is going, first thought will be that horrid, monster child and it's breeders must suffer. I'm just hoping that the little synapses that fire in my brain and tell me when I am going overboard are still working correctly at the time because I don't want to only see my daughter on visitation days through a plate of glass! I need to find a way to be rational when it comes to her or ... I'm going to jail.

For now, I leave the more reasonable humans out there who think I'm becoming a drama queen in motherhood, with this ...

Spring Cleaning

2006-10-03T12:42:00.000-05:00

I think I have my seasons mixed up. You are supposed to do that throw everything out kind of cleaning in the Spring. Correct? Then what the hell was I doing all weekend? I couldn't stop with the cleaning of things. And the throwing away of things. And I found my pre-pregnancy clothes and washed them all, knowing damn well that they don't fit, and then had a nice little breakdown in my bedroom because I can't lose the weight. Ugh.

With Sage's cutting of teeth, yeah that's right, I said TEETH, not tooth ... she tends to be sporadically happy or cranky. Kind of like a little Jekyl and Hyde personality going on that I am hoping she only lets out during the cutting of teeth. Much unlike her father, who is in a constant struggle between the two and doesn't know which he wants to have as a full time, integrated personality! The mood swings in that child. Ohmigod. She is set off by the most innocent of things when she's tired and cranky. And tired and cranky she is. She can't sleep through the night because of the teeth, which I've lost count of, so she is battling the sleepy-time fairy by 7:00pm and throwing fits that make John McEnroe look tame back in the day! There should be a rule against having more than one tooth come in at a time. Really. There should be.

We got a package in the mail this past weekend. Well, not we ... Sage did. The kids told me that I got a package but it very clearly had Sage's name on it. Of course, I knew what it was. It was a present from Fairie Goddessmama Colleen and as soon as I opened it and pulled this soft, gorgeous blanket out ... Sage was reaching for it making her "Ooo, Ooo" noise. The child knew it was hers. She hugged it and rubbed it on her face and promptly took it to her MawMaw's with her! She owes Fairie Goddessmama lots of kisses when she sees her.

I didn't really get any pictures this weekend because of the cleaning frenzy. I have been waiting for over a month now to put her little Halloween outfit on her. It's just a cute little shirt and pants, but I didn't feel right putting it on her before October. She wore it yesterday. And she was completely uncooperative about having her picture taken. Shut up Mads! I am not blinding her. Anyway ... this was all I got and you can't tell how absolutely adorable it is at all. The pants have little embroidered candy corns down one leg. It's just too cute. Now I have to find a pair of orange socks and get some better pictures next time she wears it. For now ... you get this.

Yeah, that's it for the picture taking. I'll get her tonight. During one of her 'Mommy isn't looking so I'm going to let go and stand on my own' extravaganzas that let me know they really do grow up way too fast. This was also thrust right into my heart like a piercing little dagger when she was playing with Dink the other night. When I reached for her, she actually took a step and tried to walk, unassisted, to me. I grabbed her up real quick lest she actually realize she can do it and I have a heart attack because my nine month old is walking and getting into everything I have managed to move from her crawling/stand reach. I'm going to be in so much trouble when she's fully mobile and on two legs. You may find me in a corner, babbling to myself, sounding like her newly discovered FURBY!

Just because ...

2006-09-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

I needed to see her cute adorable little face. And chunky little mosquito-bitten leg!

Wednesday night after her bath and the drama of getting her diapered and dressed! And yeah, that little pink spot on her forehead ... mosquito bite ... I cannot find that little blood-sucking bastard to save my life. I have resorted to rubbing Bounce dryer sheets on her head and pajamas at night to repel the little bastard. I don't know why it works ... but it does. They hate them. I used to stick one in my pocket when I fed the horses to keep the mosquitoes and horse flies away from me.

Thursday night ... it took me ten minutes to get that diaper on! TEN MINUTES people! She had a meltdown the size of Chernobyl. Major meltdown. Major drama. My child is a pushing the limits of all patience at diaper changing time. The last picture is when she saw me pick up her sleeper. She HATES to be dressed. Hates it with the white hot passion of a gazillion trajillion stars. And don't get me started on the standing ON the walker. The camera was quickly set to the side when she decided to use the yellow crossbars to climb even higher, just because.

The look I got when I walked past her to put her bottles in the diaper bag this morning. And then the look I got when I went back to give her a kiss.

Jesus Camp?

2006-09-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

I know, strange ass subject title coming from me ...

While I live a life that nurtures and helps others, and what many view as 'Christian like', we all know I'm not! So, what's up with the title?

It's a damn movie review link that my sister sent me that has me riled like no one's business. Did we, as a country, or even as individuals learn NOTHING from what happened on September 11, 2001? There is a camp in, get this, Devil's Lake, North Dakota for children ages 7 through 12 that teaches them an evangelical Christian program. It's called Kids on Fire.

Guess what it consists of? From what I'm gathering ... HATE! This is extremism at it's worse, in North-fucking-Dakota! You know all those drones that we sent on fly-bys over Afghanistan? Weren't they to wipe out groups that were just the older, more ready-to-die-for-our-extremist-beliefs version of this little camp?

When are people going to open their eyes and stop fucking with our future by brainwashing their children into such idiotic prejudices?

While I consider myself to be very spiritual, I do not consider myself to be 'religious'. We know I'm 'pagan' and while I have used the title 'witch' before, I don't even like titles any longer. I know I'm a good person, everyone that knows me knows I'm a good person, and whose business is it what I believe or don't believe spiritually? I don't need my aunt to save me after my death by baptising me as a Mormon! Did you know they did such a thing? After you die? Like, they don't give a shit what you believe in, so long as they have the final word?!? I don't need the three little Jehovah Witness girls that leave notes on my door on a weekly basis, to stop by and check in on me and my spirituality. I don't need Dink's mother to invite me to church EVERY FUCKING WEEK because I need Jesus in my life!

What I do need is to be surrounded by intelligent people who don't feel the need to think that their way is the only way. People who think that it's great that there are other ways of viewing things. People who don't send their children to damned Jesus Camp in Devil's Lake, North Dakota, to dress in fucking camo and war paint to be in "God's army" and to be sent on field trips to anti-abortion revivals.

Jesus Camp ... coming to a theatre near you.

Unbelievable!

Recent Conversations

2006-09-28T15:06:00.000-05:00

The other night, I needed to keep Sage out of the kitchen while I was making dinner. I asked the kids to hang out in the living room with her while she darted to and fro in her walker. While I don't really ever try to occupy her with the television, I have seen how enamored she is of this furry overgrown thing on PBS when I pick her up in the evenings at the babysitter. He sings and such and she cranes her little head over my shoulder to watch him.

So, I decided to put in one of the movies I have purchased for her with the intent that she will get to watch them in the future. I put in Alice in Wonderland, thinking the bright colors and such would grab her attention and she wouldn't be trying to knock the chair that I strategically placed in her way, to the side.

I put the movie in and Kaylie is perched on the edge of the couch in anticipation. PJ quickly exits the room and Cody runs in.

Cody: Cool a movie ... what are we going to watch?

Me: Alice in Wonderland

Cody: (looks at me like I'm insane) Huh?

Me: Cody ... she IS a girl!

Cody: Oh yeah. (flops down on floor)

A few minutes later Dink walks by ...

Dink: Oh cool, you put a movie in for her. What is it?

Me: Alice in Wonderland

Dink: Alice in Wonderland? Why?

Me: GIRL!

Dink: Oh yeah, I forgot we have a girl now ...

Me: And KAYLIE would rank in what category?

Fifteen minutes later, Sage is having a fit and I let her come into the kitchen with me. For the record, Kaylie had already left the couch and went to her room to pursue other interests. Cody. Cody was laying on the floor entranced by Alice in Wonderland, completely ignoring the fact that his nine month old sister wanted his attention.

Fifteen more minutes pass and I tell Dink he has to take Sage and occupy her for ten minutes so I can finish fixing dinner.

Ten minutes later I walk into the living room to Dink, with Sage in his lap, SINGING the songs from Alice in Wonderland!

I'm telling you ... that Y chromosome makes NO sense to me. None.

Give the Baby Kisses ...

2006-09-28T08:06:00.000-05:00

Dink is so offended. Sage will now give me kisses when I ask. And ... she'll give her new babydoll kisses (which he started) but she will NOT kiss him. He says "give Daddy a kiss" and she turns her face from him. I know it is because his whiskers are rough on her tender skin, but he's so offended by it. Last night you could hear "just not right, so wrong" at random times during the evening. He's really stewing on this one. HA!

Tooth #3 is taking it's sweet, painful time coming in. She's still waking constantly at night and always needs consoled. I think I spent more time in the rocker than I did the bed last night!

And the Mussolini level has risen. She absolutely will no longer take a nap in the evening and by 7pm she's fit to be tied. Forget tied. She needs to put into a pillow lined room to prevent injury from her little tantrums every time she doesn't get what she wants ... immediately. As soon as I walked into the bedroom after her bath last night, she started fussing. I laid her on the bed for our normal routine and she completely lost it. Screamed bloody murder as if she had just been bitten by a million fireants! It took me, at the very least, five minutes to manage to wrangle a diaper on her before she decided to pee all over my bed. The sleeper ... HA ... who needs a sleeper. Well, she does damn it to hell. I finally won the battle when I realized she would let me do as I wanted if she had my CELL PHONE!

Total bath time = 10 minutes.

Total dressing for bedtime = 30 minutes.

Insertion of bottle into her mouth until she fell asleep from utter exhaustion = 6 minutes!

I really, really, really hope this phase does not last long. It breaks my heart to have to wrestle her just to get a diaper on her.

Blasted Teeth ...

2006-09-26T07:55:00.000-05:00

... oh how I hate thee. Why can't babies be born with their teeth? It's not like breast feeding would have been any more of a disaster than it already was! Sage is finally cutting tooth number three, upper left, and she wakes up every half hour through the night. By midnight, I thought it was time to get up and get ready for work, I was that sleep deprived and delirious. The tooth has cut through. I thought the majority of the discomfort was supposed to be over after that? My poor monkey. She's just not a happy camper during the night. I guess it's time to break out the infant tylenol to help her with the pain. Maybe we'll all get some sleep then? Maybe. I'm not counting on it.

Playing under her exersaucer, scaring the beejeebies out of Bacchus and Bacchus trying to not have to go past the crazy baby in the wheelie thing that he's afraid of.

Right before the hairy beastie licked her ... she didn't like that much.

The yummy goodness of freeze-dried strawberries. She loves them!

Trying to get to mommy's camera. I think I have a little photographer in the making.

Coming for the camera again ...

Her new favorite toy. A box of Kaylie's old clothes that I haven't forced myself to carry into the basement yet!

And climbing up mommy's leg. She's doing this a lot now. She finds me, climbs my leg and then reaches for me to pick her up.

New Things for Sage ...

2006-09-21T12:46:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to mention that after weeks of trying to teach the little monkey to wave, she finally started doing it! I'm showing what a wuss I am in the telling of this, but I always make my mother go to Sage's doctors appointments with us. She has to be the one to hold her on that table because I cry too much ... and it really is hazardous to the well-being of the nurses to have me that close when they are hurting her. But anyway! My mother goes with us. And when we were dropping her off the other evening after the appointment, Sage waved bye to her. Of course, mom was all like "she waved, she waved at me, bye Sage, wave at MawMaw again, oh, she did it again ..." HA! And then she was waving at the babysitter last night. She holds her hand up and moves her fingers up and down. So cute.

And on Saturday, she suddently lost her fear of the big hairy Bacchus beast. Until then, if he got within about three feet of her, she would cling to me, climb me like a monkey and hide her face in my neck. Now she's all big and bad in her walker and bum-rushes the poor canine like she's one of the woad painted warriors in BraveHeart charging the English after an inspiring speech by William Wallace. She does this little all over body tremble and then she's a blur as she flies across the kitchen floor with her arms stretched in the air. They do this back and forth head thing where when Sage gets closer, he retreats ... then Bacchus gets brave and she retreats. Eventually, she touches him, he licks her and she's had enough already ... get that dog and his tongue off of me now! He still scares me though. I mean, his tongue is like the size of half of her face. His paws ... small dessert plates. One swat with one of those things and he can do some damage. He's six times her weight and even when she's standing, he towers over her.

They'll work it out. In the meantime, I'm right there beside them pulling hands and noses and paws out of the way.

Lions and Tigers and Bears ...

2006-09-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

Well, not so much the tigers and bears. And, unfortunately, no lions yet either.

But, what does it say about me, that my sister emailed me a link to a live cam in an African Game Preserve and I keep watching this damn watering hole, just waiting for some poor, unsuspecting prey to be pounced upon by a lion and ripped limb from limb? Does that make me bad? Seriously?

And right now ... it's dark there. And there is a damn jeep out there shining it's bright lights all over the place scaring any potential action away!

I think I'm going to hell.

And if you want to join me, click here:

AfriCam

And the Angels Sang ...

2006-09-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

There were no shots at Sage's well-baby visit yesterday. No one told me that there is a reprieve for the nine month visit. It was like the clouds had parted and a beautiful golden beam of light shone down upon us when her doctor said those words. No watching my poor child being held down and poked with hordes of needles! But we did have an argumentative nurse that tried to make me feel as if I didn't know my own child. She tried to tell me that she only weighed 16 pounds 14 ounces. I repeatedly said, that's not right, but she insisted that "oh yes it is ... they sometimes lose weight at this age because they are moving much more." Get a new job bitch ... not in my pediatricians office ... you have NO freakin clue ... be gone with you! My child, for the record, weighs 20 pounds 9.6 ounces, thank you very much.

I made myself ill yesterday dreading that damn visit, all for naught! Egads. But after I read the papers they gave me last night, I was sick again. It's something like FIVE shots next visit. FIVE!

So, instead of having a cranky baby in pain last night, I had this:

Great, eh? And instead of cranky, fevered baby this morning, I got this:

and this,

Please forgive the red-eye. Mommy was tired this morning and couldn't angle the camera to save her damn life!

Nine Months ... Time Flies!

2006-09-18T07:49:00.000-05:00

Sage, Kaylie and I spent Saturday afternoon standing outside of the local high school waiting for Cody to come riding by in the back of a truck for the brief little Pony Football Parade that they always do. Meaning, we dropped him off, went to the school, waited for an hour and I managed to get ONE shot of the truck going by with him in it! Then I had to drive up to the middle school along with about 100 other parents, to pick him up. That was my Saturday. After that, I was done and we spent the rest of the evening at home.

But yesterday ... Dink took PJ and his friend Ethan to the Family Values Tour because he's a complete Deftones and Korn fanatic and PJ's birthday is this coming Saturday. He'll be fifteen. I can't believe he made it! So, with Kaylie and Cody off to church, Sage and I went with her MawMaw and PopPop ... we went shopping. And my child tried to get a five finger discount. She snagged a teddy bear from a rack that she got a little too close to and there was no getting it back from her. Then, she proceeded to try to eat the tag so that the saleslady couldn't ring it up!

We somehow managed to walk out of the store with mostly PINK. What the hell? I did everything I could last time we went shopping to make sure that we got away from the pink thing. It seems like that was practically the ONLY thing they had this time. The clothes thing is killing me. I see all of these cool clothes on babies in magazines and such. And I can't find them anywhere. Maybe it's because they are usually the children of celebrities since they are in magazines. Maybe I need to make a bi-monthly trip to LA and go clothes shopping! Yeah right. And maybe I'll win the lottery. HA! There has to be something else out there though. I'm afraid to order clothes online because I don't know if they will fit her. The only brand I am sure will always fit when I buy the size I am looking for, is Carters. Everything else is a crapshoot! If anyone has any hints about where to get nice baby clothes that don't look like cotton candy ... help a mommy out, will ya?

I had a somewhat bittersweet moment last night while we were doing our usual routine at bedtime. I always take her up and play with her in my bed before she drifts off to sleep. We play peek-a-boo and I sing to her and do everything I can to make her laugh. I started singing 'You Are My Sunshine' and actually made it almost all the way through the song before I realized what I was doing. You see, my grandmother passed away a little over twelve years ago. The very last evening I spent with her, she laid in her bed in her new home and sang that very song to my grandfather. She was out of breath and in and out of it on painkillers, so it was raspy version of the song. She had so much love in her eyes when she sang that song and she passed at around 5AM the next morning. I heard that song in my sleep just as I startled awake that morning ... at 5AM ... and sat in my bed crying, waiting for my mother to call and tell me what I already knew. I have not been able to listen to that song since. If I thought of it, I would immediately tear up. Last night, not so much. Once I realized what I was singing and all, yeah, I got upset ... but Sage made things better. After twelve years, I'm not a firm believer that time heals very much. But Sage does.

So, now that I've gone and guaranteed another "why do I read your stinking journal" email from my sister, I better show some pictures.

She sweats, BUCKETS, when she sleeps. After her nap Friday evening, I spiked her hair into a mohawk. Good thing I didn't have any of that colored spray you can put in your hair or she may have had a purple mohawk!

Saturday, in the cage, I mean pack-n-play. She was trying to get my attention and kept peering over the top and then she would duck down and look through the mesh screen.

This is why Dink isn't allowed to participate in feeding her much. He does things like this! She couldn't figure out where that snack was or how to get it off of her face for anything. He finally stuck it to her nose and she knocked if off of there with a real quick swipe of the hand. She wasn't amused.

The hat is still a little too big, but I'm sure she'll be wearing it a lot soon. Fall is in the air and I need to keep her poor little head covered since her hair isn't that thick yet. I'm hoping to get her used to having them on by playing with her every day with them. Otherwise, it could be a very long winter!